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Eight strong female protagonists outraged to be included in your tawdry little fantasies

MODERN cinema is proud to present positive female role models, and what do you do? Enlist them in your sordid imaginings. You should be ashamed: 

Princess Leia, Star Wars, 1977

A headstrong princess, leader of the Rebel Alliance, handy with a laser gun, and you think she’s got time to get you off? When your weird nerd boner is for her in a slave bikini? You deserve the vagina dentata symbolism of being thrown in the Sarlacc pit.

Buffy Summers, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, 1997

She’s a teenage vampire slayer. As in she’s still at school, even if she does attend it dressed like a streetwalker. Sunnydale’s champion is massively given the ick by her unscheduled appearance in your libidinous head but is ready for penetration. Of you. By Mr Pointy.

Daenerys Targaryen, Game of Thrones, 2011

If you paid attention to the subtext, rather than the tits, you’d know the message of the show was that no one person should be held in higher regard than their society for they will inevitably fail. As you would in bed with the dragon lady.

Wonder Woman, 1975

Diana Prince comes from Themyscira, an island completely occupied by women, and not women starving for dick. She would regard your naked form with dispassionate anatomical interest before throwing you a mile into the sea.

Katniss Everdeen, The Hunger Games, 2008

The girl who’s an expert killer? Is the ultimate end of your fantasy castration? No judgement, some people are into it.

Harley Quinn, Batman: The Animated Series, 1992

She’s crazy and devoted to the Joker, who is a mass murderer. She’s also had something of a queer awakening. And you’re strolling in, demanding she perform for your amusement? You have the f**king nerve?

Black Widow, The Avengers, 2012

There she is, in a team full of the superpowered, without superpowers, trying to save the world. And here you are with a frankly basic fantasy about banging her on a helicarrier. You don’t even get verbally rejected. You get a hair toss as she walks away.

Lara Croft, Tomb Raider, 2001

You know how long you have to study to be an archaeologist? You know how many hours she had to put into the gym to be able to do cool flips and leaps over chasms from collapsing minecarts? How about you respect her for that instead?

Furiosa, Mad Max: Fury Road, 2015

Appreciating the beauty of a feminist icon with one arm and a shaven head? Good for you. Furiosa says wank away. Hurry up. Oh, she’s drawn her sidearm.

Six terrible crimes Britain is more than ready to blame on Holly Willoughby

HOLLY Willoughby, long overdue a turn as a national hate figure, is about to get her moment. We will happily believe she did all these: 

The Brinks-Mat bullion robbery, 1983

She was only two years old old at the time – exactly the kind of well-crafted alibi career criminals hide behind. But the disposal of £26 million in gold bars took decades, decades during which Holly was presenting Ministry of Mayhem as if butter wouldn’t melt. How else did she afford such lovely dresses?

Black Wednesday, 1992

Nobody really understands the sterling crisis which wrecked Britain’s economy. Nobody likes to think about it, which suits its smirking 11-year-old mastermind who knew that only a country suffering severe economic recession would need to provide its unemployed with a daytime diet of brain-numbing shit. She’d planned ahead.

Manchester City being sent down to the third tier, 1998

By this time modelling for Pretty Polly, Willoughby decided to flex the muscles which would condemn Phillip Schofield to exile years later. In a series of flirtations with key players including Georgi Kinkladze and Paul Dickov, she managed to distract the team, cause crucial losses at Huddersfield and QPR and send them down while giggling delightfully.

Sex Lives of the Potato Men, 2004

Wholesome, decent family-oriented television could only succeed, Holly knew, if it stood out against a backdrop of vile, shabby depravity. She pulled strings at the National Lottery to arrange financing of a film so depressingly unfunny her own career would soar in contrast to its squalor. Good people had their lives ruined watching it. She didn’t care.

The EU referendum, 2016

Willoughby’s first misstep was beguiling the nation, via This Morning, into such cosy comfort that it imagined nothing could possibly go wrong. Reassured by her daily presence, the UK blithely voted Leave only to see its political systems collapse into a chaotic clusterf**k that lasted years.

Jumping the queue for the lying-in-state, 2022

Overconfident, Willoughby committed her worst and most unforgivable crime: queue-jumping. Claiming to be a ‘broadcaster’ when she is no more than a pretty face covering a sinkhole of debased evil, she finally showed her contempt for her audience, the Royal family and the British people. Suppressed reports she mooned the coffin are accurate.

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