MOST people get by with just enough rooms for basic life activities. Not so the British middle class. Here is a list of unnecessary living spaces that are vital to their existence.
Utility room
Middle-class families know they are nothing without a room dedicated to slightly dirty clothing. While most people just let laundry pile up then bung it in the machine, well-heeled families need a room solely devoted to a tumble dryer and big sink. Recently UNICEF warned that a middle-class child growing up without a utility room is technically living in extreme poverty.
Pantry
The larder’s posher relative, the pantry is a place to store food that simply cannot be stored in the kitchen or it will… we’re not sure. Explode? The pantry is a reflection of middle-class families’ relentless desire to hoard tins of Italian things. And to keep your actual kitchen cupboards useable you need somewhere for foodstuffs that are aspirational but only a masochist would actually eat, eg. bags of red quinoa. Also, Nigella has a pantry. Enough said.
Playroom
If you loved your children and valued the developmental importance of play, you too would have a room dedicated to the joy of childhood. It would also get rid of the endless Hot Wheels paraphernalia and nerf guns clogging up your house. The middle classes are onto something here, but they also don’t realise you can just put the telly on, thus removing the need for play altogether.
Boot room
Not content to leave their shoes abandoned by the back door for the next person to trip over, like normal families do, middle-class families need a room solely for their shoes. And not even shoes – boots. Either hiking boots for country walks no one really enjoys, or Wellington boots for other wholesome outdoor crap. They particularly love this room because it sounds like the kind of thing they would find at a National Trust property.
Snug
Middle-class families love having living rooms full of books they are yet to read and a piano only dad can play a bit, badly, which means the telly has to go somewhere else, which is the ‘snug’. Aptly rhymed with ‘smug’, this room contains a couple of really comfy modern sofas and an olympic size TV. Obviously you don’t call it the TV room. If you’re going to be that common you may as well replace the labrador with a snarling Staffie and get your baby tattooed.
Garden office
Do you honestly expect them to work from home in a non-work-dedicated workspace? How could they do their admin job of questionable value to society at the kitchen table? It’s literally unthinkable. And without a garden office, where would the man of the house go to sleep when they inevitably have another vicious marital row caused by the stress of paying for all these rooms?
