IF you’ve got twattish traits it’s good to be upfront about them. It won’t stop you being a twat, but at least people have been forewarned. Try these phrases.
‘I’m a bit of a Monica’
You’re a bit of a twat, you mean. Not only are you the sort of person who scolds others for not taking their shoes off in your house, you don’t say funny things like Monica so there’s absolutely no reason for anyone to put up with your shit.
‘I’m always late’
‘Always’? Oh f**k off. There’s this thing called time which enables you to check your temporal position relative to future events. Or more simply: look at a f**king clock. Children learn how to tell the time when they’re six years old. Remember that? Big hand, little hand. It’s in numbers too if that’s overly complicated, you uber-cretin.
‘I’m a beer/film/music nerd’
Everybody likes those things. You make liking them seem like a chore. Also, actual nerds do things like invent computers or cure measles. You just sneer about Carling, or Indiana Jones, or the Smashing Pumpkins. Twat.
‘I’m an acquired taste’
Translation: ‘The only people who tolerate me those who are obliged to. I’m not worth getting to know because you’ll just be ignoring my fundamental nature to avoid the embarrassment of unfriending me, all while spending as little time with me as possible. You’ll find I’m not so much an acquired taste as an acquired twat.’
‘I’m really bad with money’
Often a blame-free way to admit you’re a greedy little piggy who spends all your cash on rubbish then wonders why you can’t go on holiday with your friends. Alternatively, you’re infuriatingly dense, eg. not grasping that credit cards involve a thing called ‘interest’ and aren’t just extra money when you want it.
‘I’m Jacob William Rees-Mogg, the member of parliament for North Somerset’
You’re in too deep now with your 19th century toff cosplay bullshit, so there’s no way back. Can an identity crisis be fatal? Let’s hope so.
