HAD a skinful? Fancy a random 2am online shopping trip? Get ready to wake up tomorrow and wonder why these stupid items have turned up at your door:
Pasta maker
You were sufficiently leathered to end up mindlessly watching Jamie Oliver repeats while stuffing crisps in your gob. That pasta machine looked great fun, dead easy to use, and would impress all the guests at the dinner parties you never have. When it arrives you don’t even get it out of the box before shoving it at the back of a cupboard.
Rowing machine
Drunk you was feeling a bit maudlin, wondering how you’ll ever get a partner when all you do is sit on the sofa necking beer. So you decided to blow £399 on a rowing machine which will get you a beach body and a hot lover in no time. Unfortunately when it arrives it won’t fit through the front door, so you leave it in the garden to slowly rust away.
Portrait of your cat
You bloody love your cat Sonic, you realise after drinking a bottle and a half of Shiraz. You love him so much that you’re going to commission some amateur artist to paint a picture of him. When it eventually turns up you are at first stumped as to why someone would post you a painting of a deformed animal, before looking at the invoice and realising you spent the money for the electricity bill on it.
Hot chocolate velvetiser
There’s been an advert on the telly and, oh my god, this is exactly what you’ve always wanted! You blow £30 on one and crawl into bed shitfaced and thrilled, before waking up in the morning and remembering that you don’t like hot chocolate and don’t understand why it needs to be ‘velvetised’, whatever that means. Resolve to give it to your sister for Christmas, along with the novelty Minions shower curtain you drunkenly bought a different time.
Lingerie for your partner
You’re pissed, horny and feeling anxious about your relationship, as your girlfriend has insisted on going out alone again. Your solution? To purchase some sexy underwear to spice things up. After you’ve had a wank and fallen asleep, you completely forget about it, until it arrives in the post and you have to explain to her that she’s now the proud owner of five pairs of cheaply made crotchless panties. She dumps you two days later.
