NOBODY says anything about you being 49 and having a TikTok, but absolutely everybody is thinking it. These activities are also suspicious, for you:
Liking pop music
It is dodgy for you to praise Taylor Swift, no matter how you disguise it with ‘she’s a genius songwriter’ and ‘heir to Joni Mitchell’. Taylor Swift is a young, beautiful woman and you have a streak of grey in your pubic hair. Midnights is but a soundtrack to your lurid fantasies.
Watching Love Island
We already know you didn’t watch Eurotrash in a spirit of continental enlightenment, so how can we trust you? Watching semi-nude twentysomethings parade and mate is an experience of deep empathy for millennials. You’re just perving. It’s alright for your wife to watch it though.
Using social media
When you pop up to congratulate a mere 31-year-old on a new job on Facebook, it’s creepy as f**k. It’s like you were there, over their shoulder, licking your lips the whole time. Twitter’s worse because you make jokes. And you have no business being on Instagram.
Being too close
Okay, it’s a packed train but why so close, Mr Still-Remembers-Britpop? Only as close as everyone else admittedly, but that’s a young woman flinching at your decrepitude and obviously-repressed lust. Why don’t you shove up against someone your own age?
Driving a fancy car
The hairs on every woman’s neck stand up when you pull up in your Audi R8, and not in a good way. Your type – divorced, throws money about, string of younger girlfriends – is despicable, even if you personally are innocent of these crimes.
Having ‘beautiful daughters’
It gives everyone the ick when you talk about how stunning your daughters are, whether they’re five or 25. And stories about gazing in at them sleeping or brushing their hair? Do you know how you sound? Leave that to their mother and play it safe by only speaking to give directions to the ring-road.
