Six arsehole types still worth putting up with as friends

BORING, smug twats might not be your ideal choice as friends, but here are six it’s worth chumming up to purely for what you can get out of them.

The IT expert

They will rabbit on pompously about computer bollocks you don’t understand, but it’s worth looking impressed and pandering to their ego to get their technical skills for free. Remember to laugh uproariously at their rapier-sharp wit when they ask if you’ve turned your computer off and back on again.

The wanker

You may not have the world’s most scintillating personality yourself, but hanging out with a knobhead has benefits. You’ll look pretty cool in comparison to this idiot who tells dodgy sexist/racist jokes, bores everyone senseless with uninteresting work anecdotes, or thinks he’s the world’s leading expert on cars.

The car mechanic

Usually the sort of pseudo-alpha male you’d avoid, but garages charge a shitting fortune – so let all the waffle about gaskets, alternators and suchlike wash over you while you make your oil-splattered bestie a mug of tea as thanks.

The really hard bastard

Far too scary to make it into your inner circle of friends, but there’s a lot to be said for having someone resembling a heavily tattooed, strategically shaved gorilla by your side when someone decides they want to give you a kicking. Just remember to agree with them about everything for fear of getting a battering yourself.

The handyman

Take a deep breath and listen to their vast knowledge of plumbing, electrics, and other tedious household repairs. They might fix things for free, or at least you won’t get ripped off by getting an equally tedious workman in.

The rich one

Wealthy people will bore you shitless by tirelessly telling you how they’re spending their cash on a classic sports car, holiday cottage, share portfolio, or whatever. However they may also lend you a trifling 100 quid until payday which they’ll forget about, or constantly show off by loudly proclaiming ‘I’ll get these’ at the bar. You’ll lose all of your self-esteem, but it’ll be worth the sacrifice. Probably.

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Stealing a glass from a pub, and other shit ways to 'stick it to the man'

LIFE can make you feel powerless, so sometimes it’s nice to offer up a tiny act of rebellion. Here are five incredibly lame ones…

Stealing a glass from a pub

Looking for a frisson of danger? Why not steal a nice glass from a pub while pissed? Except absolutely no one cares. If you asked the barman, they’d probably give you one free. Honestly, the duty manager dropped a full case of those novelty pint glasses this afternoon. You sad act.

Shouting at someone in a call centre

Trouble with your tumble dryer? Then why not completely fly off the handle with the lady from Curry’s customer service? Because nothing sticks it to a multinational company more than giving one of their 11,000 employees a hard time. For an added thrill, ask to speak to their supervisor and give them both barrels too. Even though they’re only on three quid more an hour and also couldn’t give a f**k.

Challenging a parking fine

If ever there was a doomed attempt to ‘fight for the little man’ it’s contesting the fact you were over the white line. But it’s hardly 12 Angry Men. Just suck it up, send the £60 direct debit and learn how to park your Nissan Qashqai straight.

Paying your tax on July 31st

By leaving it late – but crucially, still ON TIME – you’re sending a clear message: I AM going to play by your rules. But I’m going to play them so cool I’m basically Fonzie.

Nicking a traffic cone

A student rite of passage. At the very best, your actions will slightly inconvenience a road worker the next day. Not the kind of anarchy in the UK The Sex Pistols were singing about, and the cone will then live on in your student digs for a year as a constant reminder of your unoriginality.

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