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Pointless bed showroom won't let you f**k on the mattresses

AN uptight bed showroom is stupidly not letting customers find out how good the mattresses are for shagging on.

Hannah Tomlinson was planning to buy a new mattress with boyfriend Ryan Whittaker when the couple were told they could only test the mattresses by lying side-by-side, fully clothed and not engaging in penetrative sex.

Tomlinson said: “Isn’t sex one of the main things a bed is for? You don’t know how well you’re going to sleep from briefly lying on a mattress, but I could find out in three minutes if it’s going to make my knees uncomfortable when I’m on top.

“All we need to test it is a few screens for privacy and a little mood music. They could even leave the plastic wrap on so the mattress wipes clean. 

“We’re going to spend £800 on one of these things and keep it for ten years. What if it’s got squeaky springs and we’re condemned to a decade of the neighbours hearing exactly what rhythm we need to get off?

“It’s just sexually repressed if you ask me. It’s a warehouse full of beds but the ads only mention sleep and orthopaedics. Are mattresses only bought by chiropractors in loveless marriages?” 

Sales assistant Martin Bishop said: “Sorry, it’s just policy. We used to let people f**k on the beds but not everyone looks like a porn star so staff were having to take time off with PTSD.”

The Halloween costumes you can't make slutty

HALLOWEEN is a time for ghosts, ghouls and women who want an excuse to wear revealing costumes. If you’re going to regret dressing as a slutty witch here are some outfits which are hard to sexualise. 

Serial killer 

Thousands of podcasts and documentaries attest to our morbid fascination with these bastards, but hopefully no one will be turned on by ‘sexy Harold Shipman’ or ‘erotic Rose West’. And if they are, they’re probably not someone to go home with unless you fancy ending up under the floorboards. Besides, Shipman, West, Jeffrey Dahmer and Dennis Nilsen all had really horrible glasses and that should be enough to deter anyone except hardcore true crime weirdos.

Animals

A surprising number of animals lend themselves to sexy outfits: Playboy bunnies, Batman, Catwoman, and possibly Taylor Swift in Cats, although even she struggles to make furry tits not weird. You’ve still got plenty to work with though – dogs aren’t noted for being sexy, fish probably aren’t the most responsive lovers, and no one has ever found a sheep costume thrilling, unless you’re in Wales. Anywhere else and it’s unlikely you’ll meet someone with a raging boner for Shaun the Sheep.

Minions

Too f**king annoying to be hot, no matter how much yellow-painted flesh you show. 

Tampon 

Horrible, but a costume that’s easy to make if you’ve got enough cotton wool, sticky tape and ketchup. Will instantly remind men of sex-free days of the month where they’re either accused of being thoughtless bastards or having a hang-up about menstrual blood. Even then you’ll look a bit mental and lots of people get the shudders from touching cotton wool, so this is one period where there really is no chance of getting pregnant. 

Grim Reaper

With a costume you’ve bought off Amazon or assembled yourself, there’s a strong risk your zombie, plague victim or drowned Titanic passenger will be too sexy if you’re showing a bit of cleavage or plastered in pale makeup rather than convincing decomposing flesh. No such problem with the Grim Reaper, who will instantly remind drunken partygoers of the inevitability of death and how they’ve frittered their finite time on this Earth. It’s hard to maintain an erection when you’re experiencing suffocating existential dread, oddly.

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