WOMEN may be fated to suffer the pain of childbirth, but it’s nothing compared to the hell a man must endure whenever he needs a wee. Here are just some of the grave dangers.
Piss droplets that just won’t shake
All men, rich and poor, of any colour or creed, know there is simply nothing to be done about that final droplet of piss. Even the most vigorous and robust shake is never enough to release the stubborn bastard. In the worst nightmare scenario, droplets may reach your light trousers, an incident that colleagues will forever refer to as ‘Steve’s damp patch’.
The horror of a befouled men’s room
Women’s toilets are, presumably, wonderful places with flower arrangements, scented candles, violinists and possibly woodland fairies flitting about gaily. Men’s toilets, on the other hand, are a horrifying indictment of man’s limitless depravity. Walk into the wrong public toilet and you’ll see something so ungodly it will mentally scar you for life – like a turd in a sink.
The social politics of the urinal
The modern world is strange. We have affordable luxury and privacy, but men still have to line up like pigs at a trough and piss in unison. The unspoken rules of urinal etiquette make the experience more tense and complicated than a Christopher Nolan film, from what constitutes an acceptable shake to being wedged between two fat lads, feeling so self-conscious you’re unable to muster even a dribble.
Being cast into oblivion by the motion sensor at work
What could be better than getting paid to drop a deuce? However a lengthy shit at work can result in the Lovecraftian nightmare of the motion sensor switching the light off, hurling you into a pitch-black abyss. To avoid wiping blind, you have to wave your arms around like a castaway on a desert island desperately signalling to a plane. Your arse will eventually be clean, but the indignity doesn’t wipe away so easily.
Male noises
The sounds heard in a men’s toilet are not human. They more closely resemble the kind of noises you’d hear in a zoo’s warthog enclosure. It isn’t the sounds of the anus you fear, although those are unpleasant enough, it’s the chorus of coughs, grunts and moans that are most psychologically unsettling.
Unpredictable penis aim
Imagine pouring yourself a glass of milk. Now imagine that, instead of going into the glass, the milk spurts out of the bottle like a volcano and drenches the ceiling. That’s what it’s like to own a penis. You’ll endure a lifetime of spraying toilet seats and bathroom floors like a tomcat. Even meticulous safety planning can’t prevent an occasional misfire, so it’s lucky you just hit the porcelain tiles and not Gavin from marketing’s legs.
