A COUPLE have outraged public decency by abusing their new puppy by calling him ‘Simon’.
Joe Turner and partner Nicky bought their Labrador pup from a licensed breeder but, ignoring appropriate names like Buster, Patch and Lucky, they instead chose the name of a middle-aged data collections manager.
Friend Joanna Kramer said: “Simon? What are they thinking? A properly cute puppy with the name of a man who drinks craft ales and likes to do nine holes on a Sunday?
“They’ll be out in the park shouting ‘Simon! Simon!’ causing mature men to look round and crick their necks. They even claim he’s called Simon Turner, which makes him sound like a nondescript serial killer who goes under the police’s radar until exposed by a true crime podcast.”
The couple have defended their decision, claiming that ‘Simon’ is a member of the family and giving him a ‘glib and tawdry’ name would undermine his dignity and imply he was less than equal. Joe added: “He is a friend first and a pet second.”
But Kramer replied: “He’s not their equal though, is he? Simon shits in the park and they pick up Simon’s shit in a plastic bag. Tell me that doesn’t sound wrong.
“It feels like a kink thing. Like a reverse furry situation where instead of pretending to be a dog, they’re pretending their dog’s human. The only time someone called Simon should be on a leash is if it’s a BDSM scenario.”
