'Nobody told me I was universally despised,' says Braverman
I spent a year wanking every day, and this is what I learned
MASTURBATING on a daily basis for 12 months was one of the most profound spiritual experiences of my life – and could be of yours. Here’s what it taught me:
Quality beats quantity
At first it seemed easy. During the first month I’d sometimes go back to the semen well more than once a day. This overconfidence was an error, and made climaxing the following day a challenge. I learned to focus my energies on the cock in hand and make each day’s session the best it could be.
Spunk is a finite resource
Playing tug-of-war with Cyclops every single day was a real drain on my resources. Despite staying hydrated and following a vitamin regime, I came close to ejaculating dust. What we have is precious.
A wank shared is a wank halved
I don’t mean a handjob as technically that is sex, as an ex-girlfriend explained repeatedly. But in the same way Olympians work out with a trainer, I found it incredibly motivating to toss one off in the company of my mate Damon. He’d finish first and then cheer me on with little comments that meant so much.
A spanker a day keeps the doctor away
Frequent ejaculation keeps your plumbing in good working order and wards off prostate cancer. And after a year I can confirm that I have absolutely no issues in that department. I do have some issues knowing where and when it’s appropriate to touch oneself, but I have court-mandated awareness sessions about that.
The early bird chokes the worm
Your 7am involuntary tumescence can be your best tumescence. While others are doing their pre-work 5K or at the gym, you’re doing it two-handed in front of a mirror. Best not to tell the whole office, though. They may have views when you are already on a second written warning.
Where there’s a will, there’s a wank
Being fired really impacted my mojo. There’s something depressing about spaffing into M&S day-of-the-week socks you no longer need to wear. But I powered through and now I’ve done a full onanistic year. What I’ve learned through this is I am a strong, resilient wanker and I should be proud of that.