A CAT that spends 18 hours a day asleep on an armchair is in no need of an additional eight lives, observers have confirmed.
Mr Whiskers, who is the size and shape of a cushion and rarely goes outside, is already operating at such a low level of activity he could live forever.
Owner Emma Bradford said: “Nine lives are an insurance policy for a life of daredevilry and suicidal risks. He falls asleep halfway through licking his arse.
“He never does anything. Occasionally he’ll will sleep-groom a section of fur or twist an ear to the honk of a migrating goose. And yet he has more back-up lives than Jet Set Willy.
“Giving this cat nine lives is a waste of evolution. The greatest threat to his survival is an asteroid strike. By the time he’s on his last one he could be 2,000 years old, with humanity barely surviving a sixth ice age. Not that he’d give a shit.
“I suppose he might burn through a couple of lives due to morbid obesity, but really they should go to a more deserving animal, one with a less risk-averse lifestyle. A hamster, maybe. They die loads.”
Mr Whiskers said: “I need those lives. I might suddenly decide to climb a tree and jump onto a speeding train. So piss off.”