AN urban couple spending a weekend in the natural beauty of the English countryside have discovered it to be largely composed of mammalian faeces.
Jack Browne and Jo Kramer believed visiting the Cotswolds would be a breath of fresh air after escaping London, but all too often were assaulted by the odours of ordure.
Kramer said: “Everyone’s on about the beautiful scenery, but we didn’t really get to look at it because we were always staring at the ground trying not to get our Nikes ankle-deep in cow shit.
“I thought nature meant strolling past trees and berries and stuff, not wandering around an outdoor sewage extravaganza with no discernible boundaries. I wanted a feast for my eyes, not to regret having a nose.”
Browne added: “There was poo everywhere. I’ve never seen such a variety of shite and I once ate three curries, two kebabs, and a large pack of dates in one evening while on the Guinness.
“Someone needs to get these sheep some Imodium. At least in Hackney burly men follow their dogs around and pick up their turds. Can the farmer not do that?”
Local Wayne Hayes: “Those city types don’t know nothing about the country. We keep it shitty because we likes it like that.”
