AUSTRALIA are fourth in the Olympic medal table despite the country’s disdain for any activity that emphasises physical achievement over intellectual prowess. 

The nation’s lack of concern for competition with other nations, particularly Britain, is also cited as a factor.

Analyst Denys Finch Hatton said: “Most countries would be delighted with a haul of 19 medals but not the Australians, a people dedicated to the life of the mind who rarely travel beyond their own shores.

“Until 1996, ‘rough sports’, a category which included rugby, surfing and cricket, were banned in the Australian constitution as it was feared that they may distract young people from their studies of vers libre, dodecaphonic composition and ethnological art.

“Those laws were repealed but only to introduce Australian Rules Football, a watered-down version of the game which according to players is more like a mixture of chess and expressive dance.

“Given how much the average Australian male would far prefer to engage in a discussion on the finer points of Mallarmé or Euripides than bandy remarks on uncouth ball games, it’s astonishing they’ve won any medals at all.”

Ex-pat Bill McKay said: “Being a sports fan in Australia is incredibly lonely. There’s more to life than the intellect but try telling that to a pub full of blokes in Queensland.

“To them, physical competition and noisy collective celebration are insignificant. But dare voice a negative opinion of the novels of Anita Brookner and they’ll knock you f**king down.”