Mum wondering what to charge per head

A MOTHER of three is trying to set the right cover charge for tomorrow’s Christmas dinner with her family. 

Joanne Kramer believes she should be fairly compensated for her efforts as supplier, chef, hostess and server but does not want to drive away trade by setting prices too high.

She said: “I see them in the morning, opening envelopes stuffed with cash. I don’t see why I can’t get on the end of that. I accept Amazon vouchers.

“And these big hotels serving a three-course dinner charge £200, minimum, not including wine. I’ve got a turkey from a farm shop and done Nigella shit to it, so £45 is eminently reasonable.

“The nicest way to go about it is to present them each with an individually handwritten invoice at their place settings when they come in and request settlement beforehand. That way there’s a nice long gap before I hint for gratuities at the end.

“Yes, there might be a few faces pulled initially, but they’ll taste the value in these roasties. And then next year the price goes up.”

Son Connor said: “Charging us? Doesn’t she realise we only come here for four days, waited on throughout, drinking and eating to excess while being rewarded with lavish gifts, as a favour?”

'Eat more and also, lose weight' mother tells adult daughter

 A MOTHER is urging her adult daughter, home for Christmas, to fully consume all proffered food while also, long-term, slimming down. 

Carolyn Ryan has welcomed daughter Emma, aged 26, into her home by plying her with homemade cakes, bread, stollen and pies while remarking on the terror she must strike into other gymgoers with her elephantine figure.

Carolyn continued: “She needs to eat. I’m her mother. It’s natural to want to nourish her and see she’s relaxed and happy.

“But that’s no excuse for getting fat. She could do jumping jacks while I’m in the kitchen warming mince pies. Ideally she’d gracefully eat the food but allow it to bypass her stomach. It’s selfish and hurtful to me that she doesn’t.

“She should be used to it, with me always telling her she takes too long getting ready then hating her make-up. With me as her harshest and most confusing critic, dealing with the rest of the world will be easy.”

Daughter Emma said: “Mum seems to think I can just turn my internal metabolism on and off instantly like she does with her affection. She doesn’t realise that here I can eat whatever I want and when I get fat it’s her fault.

“Ah, dysfunctional familial relationships. The true meaning of Christmas.”