subscribe
/ Sign Out

Man will never again be as popular as when he owned a car in sixth form

A MAN in his 30s has realised that he will never hold such high social status as when he had a car in the sixth form.

Oliver O’Connor, from Bristol, arrived at the grim conclusion that the two school years in which he owned a dented Nissan Micra represented the pinnacle of his life.

O’Connor said: “It was glorious. All it took was a banger my dad bought for £200 from someone he knew down the pub and suddenly I was the absolute fanny magnet I always wanted to be.

“It seemed there was nothing more thrilling or exotic than the experience of being driven to Tesco at lunchtime, never going over 30 miles per hour, to buy a prawn sandwich and smoke fags by the trolleys.

“Everyone was desperate for a seat in that car. The cool boys and beautiful girls who’d completely ignored me before suddenly wanted to be my friend. That car worked better for me than my personality ever could.

“I’ve looked after it and kept it on the road, even though it’s over 30 years old now. It can’t be long before it becomes vintage and people want to hang around with me again.”

Donna Sheridan, who briefly dated O’Connor, said: “He seemed alright until he told me he’d spent over £30,000 on that shitty old car of his. What a lunatic.”

How to regain your dignity after ordering a half

FEELING like a worthless, pathetic weakling after ordering half a pint? Start rebuilding your dignity with these tips.

Say it was a joke

Ha! A big strapping burly bloke like you ordering a mere half! Imagine! This is clearly a hilarious prank that you’re pulling on somebody, although it’s unclear who. Ride out the confusion by loudly laughing to yourself and slapping your knee, then swagger off to the bathroom for a massive slash. That’ll underline the irony of that measly half.

Explain that you’re driving

The barman didn’t ask you to explain anything, but you feel compelled to do so for the sake of your reputation. Without context the half is a disgraceful affront to your identity, however once you make it clear that you shortly need to drive home your name will be saved. You’re just squeezing in the most alcohol you can legally consume before then, which is perfectly respectable.

Pretend it’s for someone else

Make your scapegoat someone believable, like a young child or a woman. They’re notoriously incapable of necking a whole pint. If neither of them are to hand, say it’s for your mate who’s popped out for a fag then secretly drink it while the barman isn’t looking. Then wait 20 minutes before getting another round in to avoid suspicion.

Down it like a shot

Half pints are only embarrassing if sipped on like a regular pint. If you down it in one swift gulp like a shot, you’ll not only retain your dignity, you’ll likely impress everyone in the bar at the same time. They’ll probably carry you down the street on their shoulders while chanting your name, such is their level of admiration for your drinking prowess.

Order a pint

Making up the shortfall by ordering another half won’t fix things. You need to completely undo the wrong by ordering a proper quantity of alcohol. Once there’s room in the pint, tip the half in and shamefully drop the little empty glass off at the bar. Unfortunately this won’t stop the regulars calling you something stupid like ‘Half-pint Harry’ for the rest of your life.

Next story ›