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Lower middle class bellend aspiring to be upper middle class twat

A LOWER middle class man has made it his ambition to move up the social ladder but still be a twat.

Ambitious junior sales executive Tom Booker passionately explained his aspirations in the pub to friend Martin Bishop, who immediately began thinking of excuses to go home.

Booker said: “You’ve got to aim high in life, and by ‘high’ I mean a bigger house or newer car, not good deeds or any of that bullshit.

“By this time next year I won’t be wanking on tediously about getting a company Ford Focus, I’ll be wanking on tediously about buying a BMW. I’ll also probably mention having a Waitrose account as if that is incredibly impressive.

“I’ll be going skiing a lot, and giving the impression I am best friends with slightly posh doctors I meet. That really will mark me out as a twat.

“And then once I’m an upper middle class twat I can get to work on becoming a lower upper class arsehole. The sky really is the limit.”

Friend Bishop said: “It’s impossible to say whether Tom will achieve his social ambitions, but he will definitely always be a twat.”

What to do if you're Welsh

IT’S easy to try and ignore being Welsh, but it won’t go away. Here’s how to confront the issue head-on and emerge a stronger Welsh person.

Tell someone

It’s important not to suffer in silence, so find a trusted friend to confide in. In truth they’ve probably suspected you’re Welsh for a while, due to your sing-song accent and love of leek sandwiches.

Embrace your Welshness

Listen to What’s New Pussycat? at least eight times a day, even if you find it quite irritating. Also start wearing a traditional Welsh ‘cockleshell’ hat and bright red dress with pretty lace trim like those souvenir dolls in plastic tubes, even if you’re a bloke.

Organise a Welsh pride march

Once you’ve started to come to terms with your Welshness, you might like to celebrate it with others of your kind. If you want to really go for it, organise carnival floats and a PA system blasting out Shirley Bassey, although this could be confused with something else.

Trace your Welsh roots

You could be related to one of the great Welshpersons, such as Owain Glyndwr, Richard Burton, Aneurin Bevan or Cerys Matthews. Heck, you might even be Cerys Matthews.

However as with all family tree research there is a risk of being related to a dark, unsavoury character you’d rather not be associated with, such as Neil Kinnock, he of the agonisingly embarrassing “Well all right!” speech.

Don’t try to turn other people Welsh

Don’t pressure people to move to Llandudno or ‘watch the rugby’. You’ll get enough converts to Welshness after a few evenings of inviting them over to listen to banging male voice choir hits such as Near, My God, To Thee.

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