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Invest in a good, solid vape that will give you years of use, Starmer tells kids

THE prime minister has told teenagers to be sensible and invest in a reliable, refillable vape that will serve their nicotine dependency for years to come.

With disposable vapes banned from next June, Keir Starmer is advising the young to think carefully about their vaping futures before choosing the vape that is right for them.

He said: “Don’t just grab the first candy-coloured toffee apple-flavoured vape you see in the shop. As my grandmother always said, buy cheaply and you buy twice.

“Do the research. Think about how often you vape, and how hungrily. Think about style – do you want a handy pocket vape to take a quick pull on between A-level classes? Or to impress the girls by exhaling a vast lemon sherbet cloud?

“Look at durability. Read the reviews. If you need to save up money from your Saturday job it won’t harm you to wait a few weeks before buying a vape that could last into your late 20s or beyond.

“Remember, vaping isn’t a fad. You’re not going to just discard that vape tomorrow. Once you’re addicted to nicotine it’s got its claws in you for life, so plan accordingly.”

Deputy prime minister Angela Rayner will reinforce the government’s message by dressing as the ‘Vape Dragon’ and visiting sixth-form colleges across the UK. She will also take her trusty box mod to the BBC’s The Repair Shop to have its coil replaced.

Robert Jenrick, and other famous people who should never write a children's book

KEIRA Knightley has written a children’s book, based on no literary merit other than being in Pride & Prejudice. Here are some more famous people who really shouldn’t bother either.

Robert Jenrick

The man who famously ordered that murals of Disney characters in asylum seeker accommodation be painted over in case they were welcoming to children would be hard-pressed to write a nice book for them. If he did grudgingly write something it would be titled Go Back To Where You Came From and instead of charming illustrations there would just be phrases like ‘Piss off!!!’ and ‘F**k you!!!’ in large, unhinged capital letters.

Kanye West

While Kanye undoubtedly knows how to write a rhyme, which kids really enjoy, his kind of children’s book would involve an inappropriate amount of affection for Hitler. Children, and indeed adults, aren’t ready for The Fuhrer Who Came to Tea, especially if he eats all the food then sends the family to a concentration camp. Still, at least your terrified little ones wouldn’t make you read it 150 times.

Andrew Tate

Tate’s book of reimagined fairy tales would be even less enlightened than the Brothers Grimm originals. Cinderella does not go to the ball but stays in the kitchen where she belongs. Snow White waits on the seven dwarfs hand and foot because that’s all she is good for (apart from sex) and she loves it. Despite being naked, the Emperor is actually the hero of The Emperor’s New Clothes because he had the grindset and money necessary to get ripped and throw himself a procession. 

Liz Truss

The ex-prime minister has less warmth and charisma than an industrial freezer, and isn’t good at learning from her mistakes, something that forms the basis of many children’s stories. Her book I Am Amazing, Despite What Your Daddy Says About His Mortgage would sell even less than her ill-fated tome Ten Years To Save The West.

Donald Trump

Donald Trump has many terrible qualities, but his current habit of inane rambling across a variety of unrelated subjects – ‘the weave’, as he deludedly calls it – makes him a definite no-no as a children’s author. Kids’ books need to be simple to understand and have a clear structure, so the Donald’s stream-of-consciousness nonsense would just be confusing and boring. And if certain Epstein-related rumours are true, you definitely wouldn’t want him branching out into Young Adult Fiction novels, with the accompanying book signings.

JK Rowling

Obviously Rowling wrote the most famous children’s books the world has ever seen, but her recent descent into gender critical social media madness now means she is entirely unsuited to producing any more. Nobody wants to read an insane and baseless story about children being forced to swap genders by their schools. Not even if they are magic schools.

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