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'I really like it in here', says man on toilet

A MAN who has been on the loo for the past 40 minutes while his family is downstairs has quietly admitted that this is the best part of his day. 

Father-of-three Julian Cook savours his morning dump as other, childless men might savour a single malt, a Havana cigar or a bottle of Montrachet 2005.

He said: “The moment I lock the door, a sense of warmth and calm rushes over me. I’m safe in my bog sanctuary.

“I’m lord of my domain here, the powerful odour securing my non-negotiable downtime, and for these 40 minutes no one can bother me.

“Sometimes I wonder if I could stay in here forever. Just me and the inanimate bathroom fittings, pondering the big questions of life while browsing shed padlocks online. Bliss.”

Wife Ellen Cook said: “Some people meditate to maintain calm. Julian unwinds by hiding away upstairs until the toilet seat has imprinted onto his arse and his legs have gone numb.

“He’s pulled some weird stunts to get out of spending time with us and this is the least sophisticated, but tough to dispute. And we do appreciate the break from him.”

Five staycations you can still be a middle class show-off about

HAVE travel chaos and quarantine ruined your plans for a posh foreign holiday you can show off about? Here are some horribly bourgeois British alternatives. 

‘Glamping’ 

Your luxury yurt should be so spacious and well-equipped that it bears no resemblance to actual camping. Pretend you’re immersing yourself in nature by getting your kids to collect some twigs or something, then put the images on Facebook using your high-speed broadband before hopping in the 4×4 for another afternoon in a gastropub.

Just anywhere stupidly expensive 

Luckily hotels and campsites are hiking their prices ridiculously, so you’ll be able to show off about the cost of almost any holiday. Neglect to mention you’ve just paid £5000 for a week in a dilapidated caravan in Rhyl with a toilet in the living room giving off a constant mild aroma of poo.

One of Britain’s ‘best kept secret’ destinations

Show friends how discerning you are by finding a picturesque village less intelligent people have never heard of. Actually it’s been featured in the Sunday Times at least 500 times, so it’s about as secret as Blackpool, and the local economy is now entirely geared to twats like you with countless overpriced boutiques and four Waitroses.

Any kind of ‘retreat’

If you can’t impress friends with an expensive holiday, wrong-foot them by going cultural. Painting is good, but the best is a writers’ retreat. You’ll be able to brag about praise from your tutor and bore people with chapters from your unimaginative novel about a middle class man who goes to a writers’ retreat.

Foodie holidays 

Head for Cornwall and spend all your time in pricey Rick Stein restaurants, or droning on about it on social media. Your gushing accounts of fresh sea bream with fennel will distract from the fact that the only accommodation available was a grim Holiday Inn Express full of pisshead construction workers who are certainly expanding your children’s vocabularies.

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