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How they put a supermarket trolley back, and other subtle ways to tell if someone is a prick

DO they slot it neatly back in with the others or abandon it next to their car? Here’s how antisocial habits can be used to identify life’s pricks.

How they put a supermarket trolley back

There is only one correct way to put a trolley back, and that’s to slot it neatly back into a row of other ones the same size. If you see someone wang it recklessly into the shelter without looking where it ends up, jam it aggressively into one of a different size, or simply push it into the nearest bush, they will be a bellend in multiple other ways too.

If they park on the pavement

Unless it’s some sort of life-threatening emergency, there is no acceptable excuse for parking on the pavement. Do you think your 4×4 twat wagon is more important than people with pushchairs or prams being able to get to the shops safely? Obviously you do, which makes you a prick who deserves to have a massive penis keyed on your precious bonnet to identify you to others.

Whether they put the ‘Next customer please’ bar on the conveyor

It’s the work of a moment to place the divider on the conveyor belt when you’re at the till, and yet some thoughtless, lazy bastards can’t even be arsed to do this very small favour for you. And what’s worse, they’re the type of person who will have a shit fit if one of your carrots violates their box of fondant fancies by slightly touching it.

If they put lids back on things properly

People who can’t be bothered to screw the top back on a jar, meaning you fumble and drop it and get lemon curd and glass all over the kitchen floor, are self-centred, thoughtless pricks. And what’s worse is that you have to live with this one, potentially for the rest of your life. It should be grounds for instant divorce.

What they do with their dog’s crap

Weirdest is the person who carefully bags the poo then hangs it on a twig in the nearest bush. Especially if they do it repeatedly. Nobody wants to see a dog shit ‘Christmas tree’ with turds for baubles. It’s bad but probably not quite as bad as just leaving it, ideally slightly hidden in grass or on a path. Worst, in their own way, are people who leave dozens of turds to fester in their own back garden, ensuring their neighbours can get a good whiff 24/7, the pricks.

Six everyday activities that are now designed to shaft you financially

GAS used to be for cooking and heating at an affordable price. Now it’s about sucking as much cash as possible out of the public. And it’s not the only everyday activity that’s become a mild form of extortion.

Going to university

The university system is far from perfect – we probably don’t need all those Beowulf experts – but the general idea is to educate people to benefit them and society. So let’s hit them with a £27K loan. It’s the equivalent of an insane credit card binge, but instead of loads of Armani shirts you just get to stay up till 3am finishing a tedious essay about Whigs and Tories.

Getting a train

It used to be assumed that trains were for transporting goods, getting people to work, and adding value to their leisure time. What a f**king stupid idea. The obvious purpose of trains is to bilk commuters for as much of their income as possible without actually making them go ‘F**k this’ and become a hippy traveller selling bags of magic mushrooms for income.

Parking

No reasonable person objects to paying a fee for the upkeep of municipal car parks. They do, however, object to innocently parking somewhere then paying 200 quid to neanderthal thugs for the backbreaking labour of unlocking a wheel clamp. Hospital parking charges seem particularly unfair, because bypass surgery isn’t exactly a fun day out like Alton Towers.

Renting a flat

In semi-autobiographical novels, the hero is always renting a cheap apartment in which to write his novel. This now seems as fanciful a work of fiction as The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe. Renting an average, or indeed slum-quality, flat currently costs more than a mortgage. British landlords’ idea of a utopian society is probably one in which everyone rents and it costs 95 per cent of your income. For Christ’s sake no one mention that to the Tories. 

Using your phone abroad

Roaming charges were a rip-off and so universally hated the EU banned them. Naturally they’re back thanks to the Brexit lemmings, despite phone companies saying they had no plans to reintroduce them. Which is like a horror movie serial killer saying ‘I have no plans to murder you’ then coming after you with an axe 15 minutes later shouting: ‘I’VE GOT A PLAN NOW!’

Gas and electricity 

How mankind has advanced since the Dark Ages, with light and heat at the touch of a… oh. You can’t afford to put the lights or central heating on. If it was the Dark Ages with no gas or electricity to privatise, the government would be legislating to allow Ye Olde Rivers & Wells Companie to earn record amounts of gold coins selling cups of filthy water.

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