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Horrified man discovers going to bed early makes him less tired following day

A MAN who has felt sluggish and groggy every morning for the last 20 years has been stunned to learn that getting more sleep makes him perkier.  

Joseph Turner, 33, had assumed that feeling like total shit upon waking, followed by persistent tiredness all day, was just the natural state of existence for human beings.

He said: “I used to feel knackered all the time. For the life of me, I couldn’t figure out why. I tried everything – coffee, energy drinks, caffeine tablets to make you twitchy and angry – but nothing seemed to do the trick.

“Then a friend suggested I try going to bed before 3am. It sounded mad but I gave it a go. I woke up the next day and felt great. Tasks I’d struggled with for years – like getting out of bed and brushing my teeth – suddenly seemed incredibly straightforward.

“I’d never have guessed I could eradicate my tiredness by not being tired. It still doesn’t make much sense to me but I’d recommend it to anyone. Not feeling slightly gloomy all the time is the best high there is.”

Despite his recent revelation, Turner has not maintained the habit of going to bed early.

He added: “It was nice feeling more positive, motivated and energised, but if I go to bed at 10pm every night I won’t have time to watch shows on Netflix I decide are total crap after three episodes.”

Six other musicians who owe us all a nice big break from music

TO the relief of many music lovers, Adele has announced she is going to take a big break from recording. Hopefully these artists will follow suit.

Taylor Swift

With the Eras tour and the Super Bowl and a ‘secret’ double album with a completely unnecessary 31 songs, surely we’ve reached Taylor Swift saturation point? Even if none of her latest songs are memorable in any way, it would make sense to at least cultivate some anticipation. A few decades would definitely be sufficient to make Swifties hungry for a dozen tracks about lame boyfriends with shit lyrics. 

Ed Sheeran

Sheeran released two studio tracks last year alone. Can’t he give the listening public a well-earned break by putting down his guitar and loop pedal until, say, 2050? He seems like a nice, reasonable guy, so if everyone tells him that a hiatus will give new acts a chance to flourish, he’ll listen. He’d probably even offer to mentor them, although the last thing we need is Sheeran clones churning out songs called Limerick Lady which are exactly as bad as that sounds.

Madonna

There’s no denying that Madge’s discography contains many bangers, but they came out decades ago. In fact Holiday isn’t too far from a half-century. Seeing her still scraping along and churning out records is like watching an elderly shelf stacker toiling away in the Co-op. She should be enjoying her retirement in peace, eating biscuits and not releasing tracks that will generously be remembered as ‘culturally irrelevant’.

Liam Gallagher

There’s only one way people want to consume the music of Liam Gallagher, and that’s when he’s joined by his brother and belting out hits from 20-odd years ago. And since that’s never going to happen, he’s better off putting his musical activities to bed and finding some completely new interests. We’d all definitely be more interested to hear how his tomatoes are doing than listen to another instantly forgettable vanity project with John Squire.

Kylie

Every now and then you think you’ve escaped the clutches of Kylie’s earworms, but then she unleashes another disco hit that will rattle around your head for weeks. Why does she keep releasing them? Doesn’t she have all the money she’ll ever need? The world has even moved on from her saucy videos. We have Dua Lipa for that now.

Chris Martin

Yes, even cynics were somewhat heartwarmed by Coldplay’s epic Glastonbury set. But maybe that gig should have acted as a triumphant send-off, with everyone waving as Chris Martin disappeared into the sunset like a less-popular Shane. The vacuum his absence would create could then be filled by musicians with edge and charisma, or simply nothing at all. That would be absolutely fine compared to more Coldplay.

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