THERE’S been some slightly warm weather, and that means men stripping off. Luckily, like tremors before an earthquake, these warning signs will help you detect when a man is about to disrobe.
Sudden improvement in posture
Prior to revealing his bare torso in public, a man will suck his belly in, pull his shoulders back and appear to carry invisible suitcases under each arm. This performance will last the entire time whilst bare-chested. When clothed again his posture will revert to normal and he’ll be exhausted from the effort. He’ll probably need a beer to recuperate.
Making a joke
Before removing clothing in public a man will often make a none-too-hilarious joke, such as: ‘You can look but you can’t touch!’ Deflecting his self-consciousness with humour shows that deep down he knows people don’t really want to see his beer belly, gangly frame or spotty shoulders. Fortunately you are now forewarned and have time to evacuate the vicinity.
Becoming aware of other people
Normally a man is blissfully unaware of people around him. But in certain situations, such as changing into trunks at the beach, he’ll do a horribly awkward strip under a towel, which draws more attention to the fact that he’s naked underneath than a brief flash of arse. Or he may use the technique of making himself temporarily invisible by standing behind someone else.
Scoring a goal
If a man considers himself to have ‘scored a goal’, either metaphorically or in a park kick around, he may pull whatever top he’s wearing over his head, revealing the hairy bag of custard that was once a stomach. You’re not Sergio Aguero, tuck your faded Oasis tour t-shirt back in and sit down.
Singing the stripper tune
By far the most obvious signal of impending clothing removal is ‘singing’ the classic striptease tune, The Stripper, with accompanying pseudo-erotic movements. Neither amusing nor sexy, this Tragic Mike’s striptease is less likely to turn a partner on and more likely to turn their stomach. A pair of sweaty Adidas sports socks should not be twirled like silk stockings.
