WE are Ryanair, and we actively make flying with us worse in the hope you might pay us to stop. Here is how we hate you:
No check-in staff
To encourage you to check in online, we have fired all our check-in staff. If you still need to check in – perhaps you have paid £50 for hold luggage? – the queue will resemble those at Alton Towers but will not move at the same speed. If you miss your flight because of this queue, the responsibility is yours.
No legroom
Due to airplane design choices beyond our control, certain seats have more legroom than others. We hate it but it’s a safety thing. There are passengers who could benefit from this legroom, but unless they give us £20 those seats will sit empty. If you’re tall it will hurt. We will hurt you unless you pay us. That’s the Ryanair promise.
No sitting with your friends
On the lowest form of public transport available – a bus – you can sit with your mates. On trains or tubes or trams you can sit with your mates. Only on Ryanair, because we’re bastards, do we attempt to extort money from you for simple companionship. It would be so much easier not to do this, but we might miss out on up to £80 per flight.
No bags
Like a seat with legroom, the overhead lockers will remain empty unless we’re suitably remunerated. Why should you be allowed a bag just because you’re going somewhere? You can, of course, put a bag under your seat but the specifications are absurdly small. We only let you take a shopping bag because the airports make us.
Nowhere to put anything
Our seats, like those on trains, used to have webbing on the back for you to put your drink or book in. But passengers left rubbish in them and we had to clean it up and that required a member of staff, so we’ve removed it and now you have to balance your crisps on your knee. You can’t even pay us for this. We just f**king hate you.
