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Five things you really should have grown out of years ago

THINK you’re a sophisticated adult? Then how come you still haven’t left behind these things that are clearly meant for young people, you massive overgrown child?

Kids’ breakfast cereal

Nobody over 25 should be spooning miniature cookies into their mouth every morning. The manufacturers even make the packaging look as gaudy and embarrassing as possible to ward off adults like you, so take the hint. Start your day with a coffee and a cigarette while mulling over your many regrets like a proper grown-up. 

Harry Potter

We get it, they’re the only books you’ve read and you spent a fortune just to look at the props from the very average movies. It’s hard to let that sort of investment go. But now JK Rowling spends all her time having bitter transgender Twitter rows, it’s time for you to move on too. It’s what the boy who lived would do.

Football stickers

Getting overemotional about people kicking a ball around is bad enough, but buying rip-off packets of Panini stickers is going too far. You might think you’re impressing your friend’s kids with your immaculate Premier League album, but they’re probably only trying to get an unfair swap out of you.

Dreams of pop stardom

You didn’t break into the music industry when you were young enough to have a chance, so why would you succeed now you’re in your mid-40s and have noticeable dental implants? You might just get on Britain’s Got Talent, but only as one of the deluded cannon fodder acts for everyone to laugh at.

Living with your parents

Sure, the housing market is tough right now and probably always will be, but wouldn’t you rather live in a house share with people who didn’t conceive you? Housemates can be be utter twats, but at least hearing them having sex doesn’t completely freak you out.

Wild swimming and other things the Guardian can't f**king stop writing about

THERE are some topics this broadsheet seems to have a psychotic obsession with. Here are some we’ve honestly heard enough about…

People leaving London 

For a paper based in the capital, the Guardian is desperate to tell us why no one should live there. We don’t care if Louise escaped the rat race to open a yurt retreat in Devon. And with 300,000 people expected to leave London this year, for Christ’s sake don’t write an article about every single one of them.

Wild swimming

Every Guardian journalist must take their trunks or cozzie to work each day, because chances are they’ll be dispatched to write a twee 1,000-word article on the ‘joys’ of doing front crawl in a murky lake in Cornwall. Nope. It looks grim. We’re never going to try it.

Bitcoin 

Only about one per cent of their readers understand it, with even fewer likely to invest. That doesn’t put them off endless ‘long reads’ on cryptocurrency. The only thing that’s stopped them doing more is the recent trend for non-fungible tokens. No idea what those are either. 

High-end dramas

The paper loves to do episode-by-episode recaps of any show that’s vaguely interesting. Game of Thrones and Line of Duty are just about fair enough. But Bake Off? Masterchef? Next it’ll be a liveblog of The Chase or a knob-by-knob review of Tuesday night’s Naked Attraction. 

Avocados 

A versatile foodstuff, and it also goes a long way in a newspaper. Not just the endless avocado on toast and guacamole recipes – there’s also the health benefits, beauty products and some articles resembling April Fools’ jokes, such as the dangers of cutting them, or ‘avocado hand’.

Cycling 

If a story features a bike you can bet your arse it’s in the paper. From Dutch cycling holidays to bike lane disputes, nothing is off limits. They also take pleasure in thoroughly reporting the only sport more boring than cricket: professional cycling.

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