WANT to help save water during the drought? Follow the advice and sacrifices of selfish moron Roy Hobbs.
Wash your Audis every other day
As a bonding exercise with my teenage son, I used to make him scrub my two Audis every day while I sat inside watching TV. Reducing the amount of quality time he gets to spend with such fine examples of German engineering was hard for me, but I’ve reduced his pocket-money accordingly.
Don’t refill your Jacuzzi constantly
Do these eco warriors realise how clogged up a Jacuzzi gets when you host as many grim pool parties as I do to show off my nouveau riche bubbling bathtub? If that water isn’t changed daily I could get a disease. But I’m saving the planet by only changing the water every few days. I hope Extinction Rebellion appreciates my sacrifice.
Don’t leave the taps on
Sometimes, when my wife’s badgering me in the kitchen by asking how my day’s been or, even worse, telling me how her day’s been, I’ll run the tap at full blast to drown out her inane chattering. Given her ability to ramble I was probably getting through a hundred gallons a day. Now though, I’ve simply invested in some earplugs.
Halt the local wet t-shirt competition
The wet t-shirt competition has a proud history in our local village fete. I am only agreeing to cancel it this year due to this bloody water crisis. It has nothing to do with the growing protests of some uppity feminists, a few local MPs playing the ‘woke’ card, and a petition organised by a national newspaper.
Cut back on the power-washing
This is the biggest sacrifice of all. Blasting the filthy concrete tiles in my back garden with the pressure washer was my equivalent of childbirth. Plus all the neighbours would look on in envy from their dilapidated domiciles. However, I am prepared to only do this fortnightly going forward. Normal service will be resumed the second it rains again.
