Dad ruining stag do

ENJOYMENT of a man’s Prague stag do has been drastically reduced by the presence of the groom-to-be’s father, guests have confirmed. 

30-year-old Oliver O’Connor, who marries next month, invited all his closest and hardest-partying friends along while neglecting to mention he was also bringing his 67-year-old father.

Best man Tom Logan said: “We came to Prague for the strip clubs, the lethal £1 pints of local lager, the uninhibited atmosphere and above all, to push Oli into the Krizik fountain while he’s dressed in a gimp suit.

“Unfortunately, the presence of a stern man who owns an industrial cleaning business and ‘can’t be holding with nonsense’ has made all of those activities impossible and anyway he’s booked us on a hop-on, hop-off bus tour and dinner on a river cruise.”

O’Connor said: “I had to invite him, but I’ve got 16 lads here itching to do a line off a lapdancer’s tit and he’s talking about fin de siècle architecture? You can’t even stop for an Aperol without him warning you about data roaming charges for the fifth time that day.

“We can’t shake him. Try to go off to a museum and he follows. Try to go back to the hotel and he’s there before you. Three of the lads simply ran away, and all our envious eyes followed them.”

Neil O’Connor said: “I thought I’d struggle keeping up with these young ones, but I’m actually leading the way! I had four wheat beers yesterday. Then turned in early, because tomorrow we’re going to see the famous astrological clock.”

We ask you: are you prepared to fight and die for the one pence piece?

THE threatened withdrawal of the penny and 2p coins is the perfect channel for your white-hot patriotic rage, post-Brexit. What will you do to save our coppers? 

Denys Finch Hatton, patriot: “I’ve glued coppers to every inch of my skin, legally changed my name to Charlie Copper and will be in Parliament Square, charging at MPs. I will be doing this for the next seven years.”

Helen Archer, upholsterer: “For years I’ve been collecting them in an oversized Bell’s bottle in the front room. Almost as if I knew.”

Susan Traherne, arcade owner: “5p coins are too small for the waterfalls, 10ps are too high-denomination. The only solution is for Rachel Reeves to massively devalue the currency, bankrupting Britain, because £2 coins would work a treat.”

Roy Hobbs, fishmonger: “If I give change will I get hung, drawn, quartered and fed to wild dogs like the Metric Martyr did?”

Lucy Parry, student: “I have paid for everything on my phone since March 2020.”