ATHLETES in Paris’s Olympic village are spending their evenings engaged in sexual congress which they see as a physical endurance challenge. 

The gathering of 10,000 young, fit, unfeasibly-motivated freaks in an enclosed space has fuelled intense media speculation about who is ramming their pudenda into whom and how fast.

Sprinter Tom Logan said: “We Olympians consider intercourse to be a form of cardio.

“Personally I commence intercourse with five minutes of ‘warm up’, which usually means six sets of ten repetitive tweaks of my partner’s nipples.

“Then it’s on to the thrusting component of the sex workout. This is my favourite part because it’s horizontal so it doesn’t strain the tendons or ligaments.

“And I like to have my coach in the room, yelling encouragement like ‘Go Tom!’ and ‘You’re almost there!’ I think that’s something I have in common with every Briton.”

Logan’s trainer Stephen Malley said: “I’ll stand over Tom while he’s in the final strokes, squirting isotonic sports drink into his mouth to keep him hydrated. He’s got his finishing time down to one minute four point four six seconds. Beat that, Indonesia.”

American hurdler Emma Bradford said: “I deter my sexual partners from kissing because it doesn’t burn calories fast enough and I don’t need to develop my mouth muscles.

“Also it encourages the sort of emotions that are not conducive to victory.”