Couple with massive Edwardian house claim being cold all the time is part of its 'character'

A COUPLE claim that having to wear a bobble hat indoors all day is a desirable feature of their draughty old house.

Emma and Nathan Muir say their home has character and therefore it is worth being f**king freezing and spending a fortune on heating which produces no discernible change in the temperature.

Emma Muir said: “Having viewed the property during a heatwave, we did not consider that winter would involve huddling round the fireplace like Victorian urchins, rather than posting smug Instagram photos of our high ceilings.

“Yes, I do have to leave my clothes in a pile by the bed and then get dressed under the duvet. But I get to look up at some original cornicing while I do it. And that’s what really counts, isn’t it? Not the actual liveability of a home.

“I think I’m getting rheumatism, but the permanent discomfort is a small price to pay for the original stained glass in our front door, even if a gale-force wind is howling through the gaps in the old wood.

“Some friends of ours have just bought a properly insulated new build house with triple glazing, and am I jealous? Well, yes, actually, I am.

“But don’t tell Nathan, because I’m the one who insisted that living in this creaky old ice box would make us happy.”

The Post Office, and other companies with bullshit slogans that need updating

EVERY big company in the UK has a wanky slogan, even the laughably useless privatised utilities and the downright evil Post Office. Here are some suggestions for updating them.

The Post Office

Old slogan: Helping you get life’s important things done

New slogan: Helping you get 18 months for fraud

British Gas

Old slogan: Looking after your world

New slogan: Looking after our shareholders

TransPennine Express

Old slogan: A vision to take the North further

New slogan: Going South swiftly

E.On Energy

Old slogan: Creating a better tomorrow

New slogan: Creating more food banks and bailiffs

Heathrow Airport

Old slogan: Making every journey better

New slogan: Making every journey indescribably worse

Southern Water

Old slogan: Water for life

New slogan: Raw sewage for swimming in

National Rail

Old slogan: Nothing beats being there

New slogan: Honestly, it’s probably easier getting the bus

BP

Old slogan: We connect the world

New slogan: £23bn profits, and we couldn’t have done it without you

BT

Old slogan: We connect for good

New slogan: We connect sometimes, when the broadband isn’t down

Evri

Old slogan: Delivery made for you

New slogan: Delivery? Nah, we kicked it over the neighbour’s hedge

NatWest

Old slogan: Tomorrow begins today

New slogan: At least we f**ked Farage over. We’re still turning down your overdraft request though