ONE minute you’re popping pills, the next you’re visiting National Trust sites and discussing potty training. Here are the warning signs that your social circle has become dangerously middle-aged.
You bond over country walks instead of class A drugs
Do your friends contact you before a big get-together and remind you to bring a few grams? Or do they remind you to bring an anorak and a decent pair of walking boots? If the closest thing to a drug you consume now is a slab of moreish Kendal mint cake, you’ll never swap dreary anecdotes about a ‘bad E’ again.
Your holidays always factor in art galleries and museums
Time was, you and your mates would pick holiday destinations based purely on their proximity to clubs and bars. But in recent years you’ve been overcome by the feeling you should look at a Picasso or a bit of medieval crockery. It’s nothing to worry about. It just means your youth is over and you’ve begun your slow march to the grave.
The vast majority of your conversations are about property prices
Young people talk about TikTok, Stranger Things, and anal sex. Whereas old people prefer to chat about tedious shit like house prices and mortgages. You don’t mean to get sucked into a long, boring-as-f**k conversation off Location, Location, Location, but somehow it always happens.
Nightclubs are now too loud and busy
Once you reach a certain age, nightclubs suddenly become confusing and frightening places. Don’t fight it. A nightclub is simply not a suitable environment for bald patches, cardigans and mid-life ennui. Instead go somewhere more age-appropriate, like a quiet pub that lets you play board games. A good game of backgammon is just as much fun as pulling, you blatantly lie to yourself.
You all call it a night before 10pm
You can still remember the days when you and your mates would stay out until the sun came up. But now you’ve all got work and other soul-destroying responsibilities. Also you’re tired. Really f**king tired. Still, if all your mates are knackered zombies with no interesting conversation you’ve always got people to hang out with.
