A RESEARCH team has concluded that astrology is real and Virgos are total arseholes to a man.
A rigorous programme of double-blind peer-reviewed tests have confirmed astrology has a solid scientific basis and, more importantly, that Virgo is the worst sign of the zodiac by a margin almost too large to measure.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Caring and dependable? Bollocks. Uptight, judgmental bastards more like.
“The grounding of astrology in fact is a mere side-issue compared to what we’ve proved about Virgos. For too long they’ve been overshadowed by more immediately annoying signs like Leo and Capricorn. But the data doesn’t lie.
“From their irritating compassion to their robot-like mindsets, there are no positives. Famous Virgos include Ivan the Terrible, Caligula, Lance Armstrong and skin-suit serial killer Ed Gein. Exactly.
“If you know a Virgo, cut them out of your life immediately. They’ll try to use their malevolent emotional intelligence to stop you, but don’t listen. Science is on your side.”
Virgo Tom Booker said: “Shit. They’ve rumbled us.”
