ESTATE agents, using the magic of language, can transform even the foulest shithole into a desirable property worth borrowing £300,000 for. Here’s how they would sell you:
‘Tastefully appointed’
The basics aren’t there, but you’ve covered the cracks in your physical foundations by making yourself up like the madame of a clown brothel. From Urban Decay’s most garish shades to lurid fashion choices, you’ve done all you can to distract.
‘Charming’
Neither beautiful, intelligent or especially witty, people still hang out with you. There must be a reason but in the absence of any easily identified redeeming feature, let’s call that undefinable, undetectable quality ‘charm’.
‘Ample storage’
In a house? Means rooms in f**ked-up L-shapes useful for nothing but stacking boxes. For a person? A gentle way of saying that you’re a doormat who’ll accept any kind of emotional baggage you’re thrown, from estranged children to morbid obesity.
‘Sympathetically restored’
You’ve had work done. Whether fresh tits or a hair transplant, whether veneers or a jowl lift, effort has been put in. Points, therefore, should be awarded for trying.
‘Fantastic opportunity’
Everyone loves opportunities. Who’d want to miss out on one? Any potential lover who misses out on the ‘opportunity’ to invest a lot of time and money into you for little to no return is a fool, and will be mocked by circling images of Kirsty and Phil laughing around their head.
‘Wonderfully low-maintenance’
You’re not asking much. A Nando’s out, a bunch of garage flowers, perfunctory three-minute oral on milestone birthdays. The occasional distraction from endless nights slumping in front of telly on your phone.
‘Perfect for first-time buyers’
Look, you’re a bit shit. No one with much self-respect or cash to burn is going to want to waste their time, but someone desperate to get their foot on the ladder can give you a go for a year or two before moving onto something bigger and better. And they definitely will.
