EVERYBODY feels horny at the moment, but is it due to the sap rising and buds swelling or just because you haven’t had a shag for weeks on end?
What turns you on at the moment?
A) There’s just something about the warm air and the blossom in the trees. Though possibly all the porn I’ve been watching is contributing.
B) Literally anything and everything. Can I have sex with this table or would that be weird?
What season do you usually find most arousing?
A) Definitely spring, with its imagery of new beginnings, birds and bees and all of nature at it like rabbits.
B) I couldn’t care less what day, week, month or year it is. It could be pouring with icy rain in November and I’d still want to shag everything.
Does the warmer weather make you feel like taking your clothes off?
A) That’s probably got something to do with it. Speaking of which, I should probably wash these pants I’ve been wearing for six solid weeks.
B) Everything makes me want to take my clothes off, even the BBC News theme tune. Maybe I need help.
How are you expressing your springtime sexual desires?
A) Going on video dates, which usually ends up like watching amateur porn with particularly low production values but does the job.
B) I’ve developed a passionate sexual attraction to almost every item of furniture in my house.
Mostly As: It seems springtime is making you lustful, but that’s perfectly natural.
Mostly Bs: The lockdown is turning you into a pervert. Don’t f**k the table. There are only a few weeks to go and you’ll still have to use it afterwards.
