subscribe
/ Sign Out

Man to risk life for Greggs sausage, beans and cheese melt

A MAN has decided not to let the possibly fatal consequences of COVID-19 ruin the reopening of his favourite high street bakery.

Martin Bishop, a Greggs regular or ‘Greggular’ as he insists on calling himself, plans to be first in line when his local store reopens next week.

He said: “There’s simply no way of successfully combining sausage, beans and cheese in my own kitchen, so it’s off to Greggs and possible death.

“I’d hate for people to call me brave. I’m not an NHS hero or someone running a marathon on their balcony for charity and their own smug sense of self-satisfaction. 

“I just feel the least I can do at a time like this is to take my life in my hands on a pointless journey to enjoy cheap, calorific food completely unnecessarily.

“Some people have been missing their loved ones, but for me it’s that first joyous bite into the corner of the melt which allows the steam to escape and the beany, cheesy, sausagey mix to cool to an edible temperature.” 

Bishop will spend the weekend perfecting his order, which may include half a dozen Yum Yums and a can of Fanta. If all goes well his next act of heroism will be ordering a Zinger Tower Meal from KFC.

The couple's guide to arguing during lockdown

ARGUING is a great way to pass the time during lockdown. Here are some excellent blazing rows to bring your relationship to breaking point. 

Cleaning 

The number one thing to argue about. It covers a vast range of topics, from tidying your snack-ravaged kitchen to disinfecting everything in the house. Go to town on this argument as you can use your own health as the ultimate guilt trip, perhaps asking, “Do you want me to die?”

Who ate the nice food?

With trips to the supermarket perilous and online shopping impossible, have a heartfelt furious row about your partner selfishly gobbling the last few ‘Taste the Difference’ sausages you’d been fantasising about eating for two days.

What to watch on TV

You’re not used to spending this much time together and there’s no sport on anymore, so it’s basically down to Friends on Netflix or more Masterchef. Have a good moan on the grounds that “we watched this yesterday” or say your partner just fancies the young Courteney Cox, as if there’s a real possibility of them having an affair.  

Whose fault is it that the internet has gone down?

You know the answer to this – it’s nobody’s fault. The internet is just terrible and slow at the moment because we’re all on it 24/7. Therefore this argument is going to go nowhere, with no actual conclusion beyond turning the router on and off again. Perfect for prolonged unpleasant bickering.

Innocuous personal habits

Does your partner flick their their hair in a certain way, or hum You Ain’t Seen Nothing Yet whilst buttering toast? Now that you cannot avoid their harmless quirks, flip out like a lunatic, screaming “WILL YOU STOP DOING THAT?”. You’re totally justified because it’s mildly irritating. Happy arguing!

Next story ›