YOUR towering obsession with sex as a teenager was only matched by the depth of your ignorance about it. This is the outlandish bollocks you believed:
Men think about sex every seven seconds
Even the most sexually-frustrated teenage boy struggles with this level of obsession. If men’s minds were hijacked by sex eight times every minute how would they ever focus enough to fry a sausage, drive a Nissan Micra or create a global system of patriarchal oppression?
A sneeze is one-eighth of an orgasm
It happens dramatically, loudly, and you usually need a tissue to deal with the aftermath, but all other similarities are horseshit. If it were true why wouldn’t hay fever sufferers spend all summer lying by pollen-heavy fields sneezing frenziedly into socks?
Wanking makes you blind
Outside of freak incidents involving a particularly effusive outburst targeted directly at your cornea, no chance. As most teenagers privately researched and proved. It’s a lie your parents let you overhear and believe so they could cut down on how often they had to change your sheets.
You can’t get pregnant from sex in water
Passed on almost as advice, as if when you were in a situation where penetration was about to occur without any condoms to hand, you could simply run a bath or plunge into a river. Supposedly, the sperm would get washed out of the vaginal canal with the penis acting as a rudimentary plunger or sink snake, depending on arousal levels.
Blowjobs involve blowing
A simple enough misunderstanding, given the name. However, always awkward to engage in oral sex with a partner who hasn’t been disabused of this fallacy. At best a difficult conversation; at worse a trip to A&E with an inflated urethra. The government should step in with a campaign to rename them ‘suckjobs’ to avoid this confusion.
