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24-hour garage entirely propped up by local drug users

A 24-HOUR garage in Bristol survives entirely on the custom of drug-addled locals buying late night snacks, it has emerged.

The Esso petrol station in Stoke Bishop manages to remain a viable business thanks to dozens of stoners who flock there each night to purchase king size Rizlas, cans of Monster Energy and sharing bags of Doritos.

Employee Charlotte Phelps said: “We probably sell our last petrol by 11pm, and after that it’s like Night of the Living Dead. Just dozens of shuffling idiots blitzed out of their mind on hash, dumbly searching for crisps.

“I’d say about 60 per cent of our business is stoner-based, and a further 20 per cent is people on MDMA who drift in at 3am to buy a bottle of Coke and tell us how much they love us.

“Really we’re a munchie store-slash-chill-out area with a sideline in fossil fuels. Honestly, if the police ever crack down on drugs in this area, our business would capsize instantly.”

Local weed enthusiast Oliver O’Connor said: “They’re providing a public service by staying open all the time, like the NHS. Except better because they sell those massive bags of Frazzles.”

How have you horrified your woke teenager this weekend?

YOUR 14-year-old is in her room, on FaceTime, telling her best friend in Florida she’s never met of your latest scandalous transgression. What is it this time?

Misgendering

You had no idea her who played Diana in The Crown was non-binary and mistakenly used the wrong pronouns. Your apology was not sufficient, especially when it turned out you meant the one in the new series who isn’t non-binary, compounding a crime which was already ‘basically genocide’.

Colonialism

Discussing what a lovely house Uncle Graeme in Ottowa has got, you are informed that you have essentially praised the British Empire and the massacres of indigenous peoples that white supremacy is built on. He served a cream tea in the garden which makes it worse.

Colourism

‘Lovely eyelashes he’s got, is he Latino?’ you ask about the YouTuber your daughter’s watching, proud of yourself for not saying Hispanic. After several hours of affronted silence, you learn that you denied BenzoDawg his black identity with your Karen assumptions.

Being pro-police

Janet across the way had a strimmer taken from her shed and called the police, who gave her a crime number but never came out because they never do these days. Three hours later you have agreed it’s a good thing they didn’t as they’re an armed gang founded on slavery and Janet would be guilty of state-sanctioned murder.

Queerphobia

Mentioning Shona at your husband’s work was gay but now isn’t because she married a man has your enlightened offspring reeling in disbelief. How could even you be so callous as to erase Shona’s queer lived experience to envelop her in your smothering, bigoted heteronormativity?

Cultural appropriation

‘These samosas are culturally appropriative,’ your son mutters. ‘No they’re not, I asked for the vegan ones especially,’ you reply. For some reason he decides not to take this one further, finishes his chana balti and bottle of Cobra, and goes upstairs.

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