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Vice-president to become president or what's the f**king point

VICE-PRESIDENT Kamala Harris should succeed Joe Biden or why even bother having one, the world has agreed. 

After decades of hearing the vice-president is ‘a heartbeat away from the presidency’, America is now irritatingly pretending there is no obvious candidate for the top job.

Martin Bishop from Woking said: “Is it me, or is a woman with the word ‘president’ in her job title staring us right in the face?

“Not calling myself an expert but she’s been shadowing the boss for four years, she knows the nuclear codes and where the toilets are, so replacing the president with the vice-president sounds like a logical move.

“No? Is this one of those things that makes sense to Americans but looks totally mental to the rest of the world? Like how they write dates with the month first.”

Lauren Hewitt, aged 19, said: “She’s got the experience, she’s got the qualifications, she’s done the diversity training but she can’t get promoted. This is exactly like me at Hollywood Bowl.

“It’s making me think as if Angela Rayner isn’t the second-best person in the Labour government, which she surely is.”

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Man feigning surprise at twists in show he binged after girlfriend went to bed

A MAN is putting on the performance of a lifetime pretending he is entirely new to a show he has already binge-watched while his girlfriend slept. 

Stephen Malley cued up Manhunt on Apple TV while making remarks to Emma Bradford like ‘Looking forward to this,’ and ‘apparently it gets pretty complicated’ as if he had not already watched all seven episodes over the course of the last three evenings.

He said: “Wonder if it’s any good? I can’t wait for us to find out together.

“Apparently it’s pretty twisty-turny, so if you get confused just ask me and I’ll tell you where we’re up to. Because I tend to pay more attention, not because of any prior knowledge.

“Wow, did that just happen? I did not expect that in any way at all, and am reeling. This bit? Ah, it’s jumped forward ten years, it does that. I think. Similar things I’ve watched have progressed in a similar way.

“Anyway, if you find it’s a bit boring and gets bogged down, especially around the third episode, we can always quit and watch something else. I don’t mind. Looks like one of those that’s pretty predictable.”

Bradford said: “He’s quite obviously seen it. I don’t mind. It means he can’t complain when I talk over it to tell him all about Donna from work’s new hair colour.”

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