subscribe
/ Sign Out

Uruguay has weed and dolphins, say excited stoners

POTHEADS have been frantically booking flights after hearing about Uruguay’s weed/dolphins combination.

Shortly after the country legalised its marijuana trade, people who get high realised Uruguay is also home to dolphins.

Habitual smoker Tom Booker said: “Pot and dolphins go together like cheese and toast. Which coincidentally is another thing I really like.

“I’m going to get baked and go out in a boat and just commune with the dolphins, by which I mean stare at them.

“If we drift off course because we’re listening to dub reggae rather than checking co-ordinates there’s probably a coast guard or someone to retrieve us.

“It’ll be like The Big Blue. I fucking love that movie, it’s so cool.”

Christmas jumpers contain dangerous levels of irony

CONSUMERS have been warned about fashionable ‘bad jumpers’ which contain too many layers of irony.

Experts found seasonal knitwear can work on up to three layers of irony simultaneously, risking a potentially fatal ‘ironic loop’.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “‘Red-and-white festive jumpers with crude reindeer patterns used to exist on just one mildly humorous level.

“Typically the wearer would be a middle-aged man who was vaguely aware of his own unfashionability but didn’t care especially as it was warm.

“Now though much fashionable clothing is at least partly ironic, so Christmas jumpers exist simultaneously within the hipster mode and the ‘fat uncle’ mindset.

“If you following me so far, you’re starting to understand how quantum irony works.

“The problem starts when you’ve got people who wear bad jumpers as a post-post modern comment on the post-modern obsession with recycling the extremities of bad taste as high fashion.

“That’s a minimum three levels of irony, the point at which knitwear becomes unstable on a sub-atomic level and heats up drastically, melting the wearer.”

Last week in Surrey a 36-year-old man died after a sweater featuring four reindeer, a log cabin and the phrase ‘Merry Christmas!’ turned into a molten hot red-and-green ooze.

Next story ›