UN Split Over Outdoor Humping

A DAMAGING split emerged at the United Nations last night as western governments called for a new resolution guaranteeing the right to do it on a beach.

France and Germany have demanded a charter on outdoor humping but it has been fiercely opposed by Egypt, Dubai, Saudi Arabia, Yemen and the Irish.

A spokesman for the Dubai government said: “Do you think we are no better than pigs? Backward, medieval pigs?”

Holland, Denmark and Sweden all favour making outdoor sex mandatory and would prefer it if couples performed their intercourse in front of an audience of eight year-olds.

The Dutch ambassador has even called for a system of ‘tag humping’ where both males and females could be substituted by a team-mate half way through.

Britain has threatened to veto any form of tag sex but will support the principle of open-air lovemaking as long as it is done as quietly as possible.

UN ambassador Sir Denys Finch-Hatton said: “The last thing one wants to hear when one is enjoying a round of golf is a lot of people shouting ‘ooooh’ and ‘aaaah’ and ‘stick it in’.”

The US ambassador offered qualified backing for outdoor congress as long as it results in the conception of a Christian baby.

Meanwhile a raft of eastern European states have agreed to support the charter if it includes domestic livestock, aquatic mammals and the larger species of fish.

Winehouse Blames Crack Addiction On LSD Hallucinations

AMY Winehouse last night blamed her addiction to crack cocaine on a hallucination of the devil she saw while high on LSD. 

The Rehab singer said Satan appeared before her in the guise of a six-foot Jamaican called Barrington while she was visiting a council flat with a steel door just off Westbourne Grove.

She said Beelzebub incanted curses over her in a strange, heavily accented English before selling her a small bag of sensimilia, three rocks of crack, a Kit-Kat, and a small plastic pipe, all for £25.

The singer said: "Okay, I had dabbled in drugs before Lucifer cast his spell, a little weed, some coke, a bit of smack and the odd pint of Night Nurse with a Benylin chaser.

"I'd tried ketamine, crystal meth, amphetamine, ecstasy, crushed up valium, Temazepam, PCP, GHB, mescaline, amyl nitrate, Vim, unleaded petrol, cider ice lollies and Jagermeister.

"I’d done Darvon, Lortab, methadone, morphine, Percodan, some Phenaphen with Codeine, Talacen, Tramadol, lots of Tylenol, some Ultram, but never all at the same time like now, and I never touched Vicodin.

"That is the work of the devil."

A spokeswoman for Beelzebub said Satan did appear on earth in human form but that he was much more likely to manifest as Al Pacino, Liz Hurley or Richard and Judy than a large West Indian.

She said: "The devil is all about spreading evil and confusion, he is not, and never has been, a man for reinforcing negative stereotypes about black people."