ROWAN Atkinson’s daughter has been talking about his affair, reminding you he’s one of those celebs you feel should be asexual. Here are some more you’re not comfortable with.
Rupert Grint
Rupert is synonymous with Ron Weasley, and sidekicks’ sexual needs are always glossed over. So Rupert/Ron should have been content with being able to do magic stuff at the end of the Harry Potter saga, while audiences celebrated Harry and Hermione hooking up. What were you thinking, JK Rowling? It’s like Indiana Jones walking in on Short Round shagging Kate Capshaw.
Rowan Atkinson
80s alternative comedian Rowan had already confused us with his love of performance cars, but then left his wife for comely younger actress Louise Ford. Atkinson is – let’s not mince our words here – a bit strange-looking, but the real problem is Mr Bean. It’s impossible to imagine him having sex without ill-advised pratfalls, perhaps him using a marker pen to make his erect penis look like a Coldstream Guard. Maybe Rowan does that. It wouldn’t surprise us.
Esther Rantzen
Esther was only in her 30s when That’s Life! started, but it forever turned her into a mad old spinster aunt in your mind. Every week she enthused about f**king nonsense, from administrative errors by the Gas Board to a cat allegedly playing table tennis. You still suspect she’d suddenly break off from lovemaking to exclaim: ‘HEDGEHOG FLAVOUR CRISPS! WHATEVER WILL THEY THINK OF NEXT?’
Tom Baker
Tom Baker remains the definitive Doctor, largely thanks to playing the character with a popular blend of gravitas and quirkiness. However, before Rose Tyler and Amy Pond the Doctor was completely asexual, and him having sex was unthinkable. Even years later as an adult you were shocked to see behind-the-scenes footage of Baker trying to chat up Romana I. And him having sex in The Life and Loves of a She-Devil gave a whole generation PTSD. Even K9 is tainted.
Robin Williams
Robin isn’t doing much shagging these days, but his hyperactive comedy persona made it very hard to imagine him focusing on sex. He never switched off during interviews, either, so maybe sex was always disastrous due to him doing things like putting a condom on his hand and launching into a manic improv routine in which his fingers were suffocating.
Edwina Currie
Edwina’s obnoxious, patronising, hectoring attitude – which hasn’t changed in the slightest over the years – makes it very hard to imagine sleeping with her, although you may have thought about it in the abstract, in the same way you’ve wondered what it’s like to be fed into a wood chipper feet first. John Major famously shagged her, but Christ knows what that was like. Presumably her talking about being junior health minister during the act while telling the poor bastard he was doing it wrong.
The Krankies
The disturbing implications of The Krankies’ act have been mocked at length, and it does Janette and Ian Tough the disservice of suggesting they couldn’t differentiate between a comedy routine and real life. On the other hand this was their only act, and on tour they must have been in character night after night – not to mention TV appearances and opening supermarkets during the day. Can they swear that at no point did Ian ever gasp: ‘Oh God! I’m coming, Wee Jimmy!’
