The QAnon supporter's guide to pretending it's not all bollocks

ARE your ludicrous QAnon conspiracy theories crumbling around you as Trump leaves office? Here’s how to pretend you expected this all along.

This is a cunning tactical retreat

Trump cannot take down the liberal paedo-vampires in a high-profile role like president, even though that’s exactly what you’ve been claiming for six months. He needs to slip into the shadows like a bucket-gutted ninja and operate secretly. Makes f**k all sense, but what else is new?

Trump is being hunted down by Tom Hanks

Beloved Hollywood actor? No, the CIA’s top assassin. He’s hunting Trump down, but the Donald is just biding his time until he finishes Hanks in hand-to-hand combat.

The deep state rigged the election

The deep state is too powerful even for a morally pure hero like Trump. If Hillary was prepared to blow up Challenger and stage 9/11, stealing an election is nothing. Be sure to mention the Rothschilds while gibbering on. Other QAnons will know what you mean.

JFK Jr needs to be protected

John F Kennedy Jr. is in deep cover in Pennsylvania. Exactly why a privileged lawyer and former magazine owner is so important to QAnon is unclear, but he’s to be commended for fighting for justice while irrefutably dead.

Aliens

With interdimensional travel and mind control technology, aliens are a tough opponent even for Trump. Ever seen Joe Biden dislocate his jaw to eat a whole rat? That happened, live on camera during the debates, but they’ve covered it up.

Donald loves Melania

Trump and Melania are so deeply in love he cannot risk his trophy-wife soulmate being harmed. Donald would have aced the election and declared a thousand-year dictatorship if he wasn’t such a kind, devoted husband.

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Cocky motorists to drive into unexpectedly deep floods

BRITAIN’S idiot drivers have vowed to try their luck at driving through floodwater after having a guess at how deep it is.

As the government issued flood warnings, men with driving gloves agreed that unexpectedly large pools of water on country roads were unlikely to affect non-watertight cars weighing over a tonne.

Martin Bishop said: “There’s no way a mini-ocean of murky water under a bridge can go deeper than half an inch. I’ll give it a go because I’ve got a massive Audi and I’m in a hurry to get home before Bargain Hunt.

“Sure, during the last floods my previous Audi floated halfway down the street before sinking and almost killing me, but this time I’ll go faster and pop the hazards on.”

Donna Sheridan of Harrogate agreed: “My old Fiat Panda is bound to be amphibious. There’s probably a button on the dashboard that sends fins and propellers out like a James Bond car, but I won’t check until the icy water is up to my chest.

“I’ll have to take my chances because I need to go to Asda later for an air freshener and there’s no way that can wait a couple of days.”

A Department for Transport spokesperson said: “We urge people to use common sense. Rev the engine then race at the water like a maniac, and you’ll probably bounce over it like a skipping stone.”

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