subscribe
/ Sign Out

Taking over Gaza vs all Trump's other territorial ambitions: a comparison

TRUMP now wants to remove all Palestinians from the Gaza Strip and turn it into valuable beachfront property. Where does this rank against his other proposed invasions? 

Gaza

Israel, as the applause within it for this move shows, is tacitly a US state already. Making it official at least drops the pretence. Moving Gaza’s population elsewhere will make them harder to bomb, and building the Trump Mediterranean Beachfront Resort and Conference Centre gives the rebels who eventually take it a lovely gold statue to pull down.

Short-term success: 5/2

Greenland

The world is not about to get in a long, bloody war for Denmark’s sake. The US already has a military base on Greenland, which is what wargamers call ‘a strategic advantage’. It is largely uninhabited and the residents are used to being colonial property. We’ll all be outraged but being honest, little will really change.

Short-term success: evens

Panama

When it comes to invading Panama under a gaga president once big in the entertainment industry, the US has previous. Making it a US state, once Trump realises he can’t pack up the canal and relocate it to Utah, will mean America sharing borders with Columbia and cut out millions of cocaine middlemen, solving the Mexican cartel problem at a stroke.

Short-term success: 4/1

Canada

Problematic. Canada, despite Trump’s repeated offers to make it a state, is almost as big as the US. Much of it is wilderness to hide in. Invading and taking over – especially given no reason whatsoever has been given for doing so and none is expected – would create the ideal environment for a guerrilla war lasting decades, all fought in the King’s name.

Short-term success: 15/1

Scotland

Trump owns property in Scotland and believes himself to be Scottish because he doesn’t want to admit he’s German. Annexing Scotland is the natural next step, cheered on by Farage and the right-wing press who will explain this is what they meant by sovereignty all along. Starmer’s entreaties to take Northern Ireland instead will be ignored.

Short-term success 8/1

California

It’s only a matter of time before Trump orders in the troops to take this rebel province committing the war crime of not being keen on him. It could happen during the Oscars. Once every liberal has been pacified with extreme prejudice and this coastal paradise freed, he’ll turn it over to Trump. Not America. The sole property of Donald Trump.

Short-term success 1/16

Seven problems attractive people have you could probably cope with

ATTRACTIVE people get preferential treatment at work, research has found, but the gorgeous have replied that beauty brings its own issues. You feel you could cope with these: 

Potential partners are intimidated by you

Beautiful women miss out on meeting wonderful men because they’re afraid to approach them, which raises the question of what spineless wanker can’t talk to a woman just because she’s fit. Or what kind of wanker is unable to chat to a woman without it being a full-on attempt to pull her. The hotness is just filtering out various types of wanker. What’s the problem?

Always being hit on

No one likes twats who won’t take no for an answer, but nobody ever wanting to f**k you is far worse. Basically it’s nice to have options. You don’t have to sleep with all of them unless you’ve got severe self-esteem issues or are really nosy about how other people’s flats look.

Your career not being taken seriously

You don’t have to work and everyone knows it. If you’ve got an important job you feel passionate about it could be an issue, as in ‘General, I feel strongly we should pause the weaponised velociraptors project until my team has addressed the psychotic killing spree issue.’ Otherwise, drift prettily around and get promoted.

Nobody caring about your personality

Have you even bothered to develop one? Interesting people wear thin, banging on about shit all the time, knowing stuff, having opinions, insisting on watching documentaries. This only seems an issue because the desirable overestimate how the depth of their personalities when they should shut up and enjoy looking good in swimwear. You would.

The assumption that you’re stupid

Could be easily dispelled. When conversation’s opened, simply discourse on quantum mechanics or the origins of the Germanic languages. Except you don’t know anything about them, do you? Because you never bothered to learn anything because you’re hot, but you resent everyone rightly assuming that.

Having friends of the opposite sex is difficult

It’s no different if you’re ugly. The friendzone is so rammed it’s a miracle men don’t suffocate, and at a highly conservative estimate four in five men would be up for it with their female friends. And the attractive don’t complain about everyone being in love with them when they need help moving house.

Being oblivious to your flaws

The stunning tell long, boring anecdotes which nobody cuts short because they’re gazing enraptured, get free drinks everywhere and only ever receive positive feedback. Sounds great. You’d love the freedom to tell 20-minute stories about painting Warhammer figures or unblocking the drainage pipe of your washing machine.

Next story ›