PRESIDENT Trump takes office today and has promised a flurry of new laws. These six are ranked from lunatic to fixed-stare vibrating insanity:
EO 14145: Prohibiting the Consumption of Dogs and Cats For Food
Hitting his opponents where it hurts, Trump proves he’s about action not words. Cutting off the favoured food supply of illegal immigrants – beloved household pets – will make them so hungry they’ll flee back to their home countries. America, your dogs are safe.
EO 14146: Establishing Tesla as the Standard Measure of Safety
A justly deserved reward for Elon: his standard of safety is now the nation’s. His self-driving cars can take any road, anywhere, without harming anyone except those foolish enough to be run over, involved in crashes or immolated in stationary vehicles. Legally each of those situations is their fault.
EO 14147: Pardoning the Entirety of Trump Supporters
Pardoning only the January 6th rioters, who shall henceforward be known as the January 6th Lovers, would not be enough. Therefore any prisoner, no matter their crime, prepared to make a statement about their support for Trump is now freed. The prisons are empty and the nation filled with joy.
EO 14148: Annexing the Willing and the Beautiful
Declaring Greenland, Canada, Mexico and Panama become America on day one: what other president has ever achieved such greatness? To take the number of American states from 50 to 75, and all without a shot fired? The relevant governments are dissolved unilaterally and immediately.
EO 14149: Redefining 2020-2024 as a Rest Period
Biden did not win an election but stole one. His presidency, during which he was largely unconscious, is now a period where Trump was president but taking a well-earned rest. This also removes the needlessly prohibitive concept of term limits: as Trump has already been president three times, they no longer apply. A fourth is a given.
EO 14150: Providing a new National Anthem for the United States
The Star-Spangled Banner served the nation for almost a century, but it is old. A reborn nation that is proud and certain in its masculine power deserves a new one. From this moment, the national anthem is YMCA, performed at the inauguration by the Village People. The country will sing along joyfully while performing the national dance.
