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Plucky Israel sues for peace

THE brave but beleaguered nation of Israel has given up its spirited fight against the war machine of Gaza and called a ceasefire.

Despite backing from its proud-but-humble ally the United States, Israel has concluded that fighting on would only endanger lives and moved to end the conflict.

Geopolitical expert Helen Archer said: “Sometimes it takes the little guy to be the bigger man. Well done Israel.

“They’ve realised, after just 15 months, that peace is worth any price. Yes, I’m sure their egos are hurt but that hasn’t stopped them doing the right thing for not only themselves but, selflessly, for their opponents.

“Israel didn’t start this conflict but it’s had the courage to finish it. I’m sure they’ll face the usual chorus of disapproval from the warmongering UN, but they must turn the other cheek.

“When others saw only war, war, war, Benjamin Netanyahu dared to say ‘What about peace? What if a better future exists if we lay down our arms?’ And he’s overcome any number of obstacles to achieve his dream.”

She added: “And let’s not forget that other great man of peace, Donald Trump.”

E-bikes not as irritating as normal cyclists even though they might kill you

PEOPLE who ride e-bikes are less annoying than normal cycling dickheads, even though they could probably kill you, it has emerged.

Despite being dangerous bellends who think it is a good idea to ride on the pavement, e-bike riders are still favoured over the type of lycra-clad twat who spends five grand on a carbon-fibre wank machine.

Non-cyclist Martin Bishop said: “Speaking as both a pedestrian and a driver, I can safely say I prefer e-bike riders, even though they are all morons in charge of potentially lethal machines.

“Yes, e-bike riders love to swerve horribly close to you as you walk and cut you up and clip your wing mirrors while you’re driving. But they don’t ride two-abreast or dawdle along country roads causing five-mile tailbacks while insisting it’s ‘their road too’, like those other bike pricks.”

E-bike rider Tom Logan said: “I cycle on the pavement, don’t wear a helmet, haven’t got lights, and once the lithium battery on my bike caught fire on a train.

“And yet I don’t get on your tits as much as normal cyclists because I don’t have a pair of stupid little shorts showcasing my testicles and an enormous sense of entitlement. Well done me.”

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