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Middle-class couple in Sardinia cooking huevos rancheros on pavement

MIDDLE-CLASS holidaymakers in Sardinia are cooking huevos rancheros on the baking-hot tiles outside their villa, it has emerged.

Britons whose term-time sojourns on the Italian island have been so gracelessly interrupted by the 48º heat – even though they personally are against climate change – are compensating by using the floor to cook up a simple Mexican breakfast dish.

Julian Cook, who is in Isola Rossa for a fortnight, said: “Rather than let the heat be oppressive, we thought why not have a little fun with it?

“So we hung corn tortillas over the railings to char and fried the eggs in a little olive oil we bought from a marvellous local man just down the road, topped it with a homemade pico de gallo and served with sliced avocado. And you know, it was absolutely delicious.

“There really is nothing like fresh eggs cooked using nothing but the heat of the sun on your own terracotta. It’s so wonderfully sustainable and you’d swear you can taste it.

“This evening we’re doing a frittata with green peppers, local chillies and goat’s cheese. Mmm. Perhaps we’ll print up a little cookbook.

“Obviously some Brits are finding the heat in Europe too much, but never underestimate the middle-class ability to immerse ourselves in a foreign culture. Then wank on about it.”

Airline pilot, firefighter, football referee: five jobs that make men insecure when done by women

EVEN in 2023 there are some jobs so male-dominated that seeing a woman do them can shatter masculine self-confidence. Like these:

Airline pilot

When a female voice comes over the tannoy, all the men on board expect it to be a flight attendant about to fill them in on the fabulous selection of discounted fragrances that are available. So when she identifies herself as the captain, there will be a sharp intake of breath and some muttering about female drivers, until their partners remind them they scraped two panels of the car on the gate last week so shut the f**k up.

Firefighter

Some mentally and emotionally fragile men would claim they’d rather perish from smoke inhalation than be carried from a burning building by a woman. However, deep in their hearts they also crave to be rescued by a brave, strong female in a fireproof suit. The resulting confusion makes them aroused, guilty, and angry, which they cover up with mockery. Men are complicated, bless them.

Football referee

Aside from female pundits, nothing riles up a man who has made football his whole personality more than a female referee. Regardless of the fact that women are just as able to run up and down the pitch keeping an eye on the game as well as a man, it’s just not a woman’s place. Not that the kind of guy who hates them knows anything about women. He’s never had a girlfriend, after all.

Plumber

Is it more emasculating for a man who can’t fix something in his house to have another man come and do it, or a woman? Hard to say, but if the plumber turns out to be female, he’ll definitely make a lame joke about women being good plumbers because they like to bring up shit from the past. She won’t laugh but will ask where the stopcock is. He won’t know, and will feel his penis shrivel right up inside him when she sighs at his patheticness.

Mechanic

A lot of men believe cars are inherently masculine, so when they turn up to have their brake pads changed and it’s a bird doing the job, they’re convinced she won’t have a clue what she’s doing. However, given that she’s the one who runs a garage and he wouldn’t be able to replace a wiper blade if someone held a gun to his head, he should swallow his pride and accept being overcharged in the name of equality.

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