BANNING mobile phones in schools makes sense because why should they have fun? But in these sacred spaces devices should always be allowed:

The loo

Once there was only a battered Giles book and an ashtray. But now we’ve experienced the buzz of scrolling through a friend’s holiday pictures while undergoing bowel movements, there’s no going back. It has become the world’s happy place.

At your work desk

A break from your big work screen to look at your little smartphone screen is a busman’s holiday, but in the time-slowed wasteland of office life you take what you can get. Besides, your work screen is filled with dreary emails and confusing spreadsheets, but your smartphone screen contains break-up texts and an eBay auction you’ve lost.

In the pub alone

Some pubs ban smartphones, demanding punters rawdog their pint of John Smith’s. But if you arrive early? If your mate nips for a piss? What, do you just gaze into the middle distance, ruing every decision you’ve ever made? The landlord should actively encourage you to bounce between X, Instagram and TikTok.

On public transport

Those making speakerphone calls and blaring grime should be thrown off moving buses and trains, yes. Those hunched over Tinder swiping right on anyone briefly within radius of their chosen route? They have committed no crime. They should not be sentenced to read a book.

Anywhere you may be left with your own thoughts

The world is full of terrifying dead zones, places without naturally abundant content where your innermost thoughts bubble to the surface. Particularly dangerous are McDonald’s queues, when visiting parents and watching sunsets. Banning smartphones would overwhelm with despair, so for public safety they must be available.

Bed

Scientists say the blue light ruins your circadian rhythm, but scientists aren’t in bed with you. Drifting off to funny YouTube is one of the only joys left to us in this fallen world. Your phone is your alarm clock so this can’t change.