'I told you those scooters weren't safe' says mother

A PARENT has told her children, in the light of the assassination of Lt Gen Kirillov in Moscow by exploding scooter, that she knew they were dangerous. 

Joanna Kramer of Maidenhead refused to allow her two children electric scooters no matter how much they pleaded and believes today’s events have entirely vindicated her.

She said: “See? And he’s a senior Russian general heading Radiation, Chemical and Biological Protection troops, not a ten-year-old.

“Bloody deathtraps those things. He’s only got himself to blame. You’d think a grown man would know better, but the one who nearly knocked me over in Bath must have been 40 if he was a day. Didn’t even look round.

“It’s a mother’s responsibility to make the right decisions, and I’m not letting either of you end up like Lt General Igor Kirillov. If I had I would have failed as a parent. So we’ll have no more fuss about those scooters and perhaps next time you’ll listen to me.”

Son Lucas Kramer, aged 12, said: “Also I’m not allowed a drone for Christmas, because they’re frequently employed against non-military targets and civilian infrastructure.”

Prince Andrew to attend peasants' Christmas dinner, possibly yours

PRINCE Andrew, banned from Christmas at Sandringham, is to celebrate the season at the house of a subject to be chosen at random. 

The Duke, whose children have both coincidentally decided to spend the day with their in-laws, has decided that rather than be alone he will bestow the gift of his Royal presence on a lucky British family.

He said: “Regretfully, my own family are somewhat stuffy. Disapprove of my friendships and whatnot. Judgemental pricks.

“So instead I shall alight on a new family for Christmas Day, and when I say alight I mean that I will be landing a helicopter on your lawn. Don’t bother about gazebos and that manner of thing, they’ll be crushed.

“I’ll stride in – well, you’ll have to open the doors for me, I’ve never got the hang of that – take my seat at the head of the table, and be happy with whatever you serve me. Don’t bother about swan, it’s rather too gamey, whatever nine-bird roast you’re doing will be fine.

“Gifts are not an issue because I take money, I’ll entertain your children with golfing and Falklands stories, your wives and daughters over 16 will appreciate my avid attentions, and I can’t sweat so that’s something of a party trick! Oh, we’ll have such fun!”

He added: “Can I ask one thing? No King’s speech this year. He’s such an over-privileged self-regarding boor.”