subscribe
/ Sign Out

English somehow believe Scots will happily welcome them this summer

ENGLISH people dreaming of visiting the Scottish highlands once lockdown ends are also imagining that they will be given a warm welcome. 

Holidaymakers who have downgraded from Sardinia to a quick tour around Scotland have deluded themselves that an influx of English people from coronavirus hotspots will prove popular north of the border.

Martin Bishop of Reading said: “It’s just not safe flying this year. So we’ve decided to treat the Scots to a fortnight of our company instead.

“I’m sure these isolated villages and islands will be delighted to see a family of English people in their community, and we’ll certainly be relived not to always be wearing facemasks.

“I can’t wait to breathe in that fresh Highland air and then to exhale all over other shoppers in the Co-op or wherever. I’m sure we’ll make tonnes of friends.”

Bill McKay of Fort William said: “Oh aye, they can come here. If they no mind never being seen again.”

How to make the pandemic all about you

DESPERATE for attention? Sick of some virus stealing your thunder? Here’s how to make this global pandemic all about you.

Outdo everyone else’s moans

Everyone’s going through hell right now, so make things worse by turning misery into a pathetic competition. When your friends complain about balancing a job with childcare, immediately start in on the ordeal you’re suffering with laggy Zoom calls to work.

Mourn your cancelled events

Posting pictures of exciting events to Facebook was a tried and tested way for boring people to get attention. Now that’s impossible you’ll have to write a long-winded status mourning every gig and family occasion you’re missing, concluding by telling everyone to ‘stay safe’.

Clap for the NHS the loudest

Applauding healthcare workers with your hands just doesn’t cut it any more. Try clanging pots and pans, letting off fireworks, or setting off klaxons to prove you’re the most grateful Briton, then feign disbelief when your professionally-filmed efforts go viral.

Worry loudly about your health

If you can’t beat COVID-19, you might as well convince people you’ve joined it. Alert everyone about your slightly raised temperature, joint aches and general peakiness, claim it must be coronavirus and milk it for all it’s worth.

Use it for political gain

Looking to get re-elected? The coronavirus is a golden opportunity to prove you’re a competent leader that people can get behind. Even if you’ve completely botched the response and have one of the highest death tolls in the world, just say positive things and you’re a winner.

Next story ›