HAVE you done something stupid like clicking on an article about Molly-Mae Hague kissing her ex and reading it all the way to the end? Follow these life-saving procedures immediately.

Put your head between your knees

This doesn’t just cure dizziness and make panic attacks go away. Putting your head between your knees makes blood rush to your brain, which will hopefully reactivate the clearly neglected organ. Within minutes your synapses should start firing again and you will realise how badly you’ve wasted your mental faculties on this meaningless bullshit.

Watch a documentary or prestige HBO drama

Ideally a double bill of The Ascent of Man washed down with the entire run of Chernobyl. But if you’re in a rush then even one episode of Mad Men should stimulate your mind and serve as a reminder of what you should be paying attention to. If you’re too weak to fire up Amazon Prime, get a friend to put it on before it’s too late, while you wait for the ambulance.

Bash your head against the nearest wall

If you’re fortunate enough to be in a walled area, striking your head against the nearest hard surface violently should erase the whole pathetic obsession with Molly-Mae from your memory. You might also forget other information like your name, where you live, and how to talk, but it’s a price well worth paying.

Read a book, any book

Literature is poison to celebrity gossip, so flicking through a book should send your worrying over what the New Year’s Eve kiss means for Molly-Mae and Tommy Fury’s relationship into remission. Anything will do, but why not pick up a copy of Flowers for Algernon? It’s all about a man with a moron-level IQ trying to increase his intelligence, so you’ll relate to that.

Start your life again from scratch

If all the above has failed then the only course of action left is to reset your life. None of the decisions you have made so far can be trusted, so you need to tear your existence down and start again. Change your name, move to a different town, embark on a new career and ditch everyone you used to know. Most importantly of all, forget that Molly-Mae exists. You’ll be happier for it.