subscribe
/ Sign Out

China announces free fentanyl with every Shein purchase

CHINA has announced that every Shein and Temu purchase now comes with a courtesy gram of fentanyl. 

The move, believed to be in response to Trump’s tariffs, will provide a pipeline of illegal and highly dangerous narcotics directly from China to the US and has been instigated to see what he is going to do about it.

A spokesman for the People’s Republic said: “Your move, O orange one.

“Naturally we have imposed tariffs as well, but we would be foolish not to use our direct connections with your MAGA youth. Will you ban their cheap clothing and their shonky 3D printers just because of our little complimentary extra, our equivalent of a pillow mint?

“‘Look what I got in my Shein haul’ they will say on our TikTok, which you balked at banning because you have a pathetic 15m followers, one-sixth of Addison Rae. Soon a whole nation will be hooked.

“By April your nation will have such a fentanyl surplus it will become a net exporter to Canada. Signs outside sububan homes will say ‘Fentanyl – free to take’. Starbucks will add it as an option for drinks.

“In this way will we take our revenge for the Opium Wars of the 19th century. No, of course you haven’t f**king heard of them.”

My day of constantly being accompanied by a nude woman, like Kanye West

RAPPER and designer Kanye West turned heads at the Grammys by being, as usual, accompanied by a nude woman. But how would that go down here in Halifax? 

I begin my day, dressed all in black and with a statuesque naked girl close at hand, with a visit to the bank. Joining the queue behind the pensioners, we are noticed in mere moments. But, outrageously, staff insist on addressing my paramour directly.

‘She’s with me,’ I explain, ‘as a daring accessory to my transgressive fashion sense.’ And, gratifyingly, we are both asked to leave just as if we were attending the annual awards of the Recording Academy. So far, so Yeezy.

Our next stop? The vet, where I enquire about having a dog with distemper put to sleep. But we’re barely through the door before the receptionist, a slovenly woman clearly ignorant of high fashion, rushes over to cover my companion’s nakedness with a coat.

‘No,’ I clarify, ‘this is deliberate. She’s actually wearing an entirely transparent dress, you bourgeois boor.’ Nonetheless they refuse to serve us and we are forced to leave.

We then call in at Wetherspoons, but disappointingly my gorgeous partner’s state of undress raises no eyebrows among the daytime drinkers, their minds focused on more immediate concerns.

Our final call is the town hall to dispute a fine for fly-tipping from Calderdale council. And happily we cause a stir, with security called over and many photos taken. Finally appreciation of daring boundary-crossing fashion, though the cries of ‘nice tits’ were to my mind indecorous.

So how was my day of being accompanied by a nude woman? Well, despite initial difficulties, a great success. I turned heads, outraged sensibilities and that’s what fashion is all about.

For her? I don’t know, I haven’t asked.

Next story ›