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Australian senator mistakes meaningless figurehead for person of power

AN Australian senator has embarrassed herself by shouting slogans at a ceremonial figurehead which could no more do anything than a statue could. 

Senator Lidia Thorpe shouted ‘this is not your land, you are not my King’ at King Charles without realising that she might as well have shouted those same words at a wallaby.

She said: “Wow, do I have egg on my face.

“I saw all the pomp and ceremony outside and fell into the trap of assuming this was someone of political importance who could change things, not noticing he’d just been introduced to an alpaca in a blue velvet suit.

“So I seized my moment, marched to the stage shouting about genocide, only to discover it’s just some old fella they wheel out when they fancy a banquet. Same one who’s on the dollar coin, coincidentally.

“I feel a total drongo for making all that noise at some bloke who’s basically a Union Jack in a tailored suit. It’s as much a waste of effort as banging on about Palestine on Twitter, which I also do.”

King Charles said: “I blame Game of Thrones for fooling people that kings do stuff.”

Colleague massively overestimating emotional impact of her leaving

A WOMAN is under the mistaken impression that her leaving for another job is an important emotional event for those around her. 

Emma Bradford, aged 34, has spent the morning reminding colleagues that it his her final week as marketing analyst and imagining that they give a f**k.

She said: “I’ve arranged a farewell lunch for those people who can’t come to the evening do, and I’m working on speeches. Don’t want to miss anybody out.

“I’ve become a real fixture here – can’t believe it’s been six years – and while everyone’s putting on a brave face now I expect there will be a few tears on the day, especially for those who’ve found it too wrenching to even answer my emails.”

Eleanor Shaw, who works at the neighbouring desk to Emma, said: “Six years? Has it been? I would have thought maybe two.

“So that’s why she’s doing all this sighing and forlorn gazing and running her hands along the walls saying ‘Ah, this place. So many memories’. I thought she was just trying to get out of doing the ROI stats.”

Line manager Joe Turner said: “We’ll miss Emma, in the sense that I’m not hiring anyone to replace her so her duties will be shared by the whole team. That will be a wrench.

“As a person? Put it this way, last year a staff member left who’d been here 18 years ever since leaving school. She’d spent her whole working career with us, raised children, the lot. I think her name was… Clara?”

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