WE have deep historical and emotional ties to our American cousins. But the dumb Yanks find it inexplicably difficult to place your pretty-obvious accent. Here are their first six shit guesses.
Australian
The American’s go-to guess for some reason. They could be sat in a village pub in Shropshire eating fish and chips with a pint of bitter and Liverpool vs Everton on the big screen and they’ll still assume everyone in the place is from Bondi Beach. What’s going on in their f**king heads? Do they think that Jack Russell is a koala?
Irish
Next up: Irish. These plastic Paddies have always wanted to visit Ireland, the land of their ancestors, because their great, great, great grandparents came from Dublin. They think. Or was it Belfast? No matter, they’ve got the surname Murphy and automatically assume anyone who’s seen Braveheart is close family. Bless.
London
Yes, the famous nation of London. Their geography is as bad as you’d expect, however much the poncy sort of Londoner thinks London is Britain and the regions are basically a big farm to provide them with food. Frankly Britain has only got itself to blame for this. Did we really expect to give them films like Mary Poppins and Notting Hill and not expect any blowback?
Vulcan
They’re really struggling now. When you tell them we use the word ‘pavement’ not ‘sidewalk’ and ‘aubergine’ not ‘eggplant’, and pronounce ‘aluminium’ correctly, they’ll assume you’re from an exotic, far-off land. Unfortunately their Earth geography is so shit they don’t know the name of any. So it’s obviously Vulcan. Freak them out by doing the hand greeting while enthusiastically saying ‘Live long and prosper!’
New York
Clutching at straws time. This idiotic suggestion only comes up because the average passport-dodging, deer-munching hick from rural Idaho thinks New York is another nation. They’ve seen the Big Apple in films and assume we hail from Manhattan even though we’re talking to them in a Tesco Metro in Crawley. Look, there’s Woody Allen buying a ready meal.
The next country they can think of
This could be anything, they’re just delighted to not look ignorant. It might be France because they saw it on Emily in Paris. Or Iraq because they killed the bad guy dictator Binsama there. Or even the tiny island of Aruba (a friend went on holiday). Put them out of their misery and reveal you’re from Leeds in England, which is part of Britain. Then realise this is just hideously complicating the situation and go back to Australian. Anyone for surfing, Toadfish?
